


Brojobs and Butterflies

by TabisMouse



Series: ...And Butterflies [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Casual Sex, Drunk Sex, Dubious Consent, M/M, Mutual Pining, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:08:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TabisMouse/pseuds/TabisMouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Youngbae was straight. So incredibly straight it hurt. Seungri - not so much - and he should know better. He should know better than to fall for a straight guy. But blowjobs, that's not falling... or gay... right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Exploding Sink

**Author's Note:**

> Original Author's note moved to end note of chapter 1
> 
> If you are re-reading this you may have noticed that it has changed a bit. The entire work has been modified slightly. If you are interested in the details, hop over to the last chapter which is my expanded Author's note.
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> Warning: Slight Dubcon in Ch. 1

Youngbae tried not to slump, but he was exhausted. The dome tours were great and all - brought in tons of fans and made heaps of cash - but they were brutal. He tried to be patient as the numbers above the elevator ticked their way down. He visualized the large hotel bed waiting for him upstairs in his suite, with soft sheets of egyptian cotton and more pillows than he could ever need. One of the perks of international fame: luxury. He was going to steam himself in the hottest shower his skin could bear, order the whole of the room service menu and pass out on smooth white sheets and not wake till noon.

“ _ Are you serious? _ ” 

Youngbae ears perked up in recognition. He turned towards the lobby and shuffled down a few steps. He poked his head around the corner and looked towards the front desk. 

“There’s nothing you can do?” Seungri looked frazzled as he stared at the receptionist. The elevator dinged behind Youngbae and he winced. He really should make sure everything was ok, he tried to convince his aching muscles. 

He shuffled up to the counter, taking in Seungri in a bathrobe and slippers, hair disheveled, and the obviously stressed receptionist. Youngbae struggled to follow Seungri’s rapid-fire Japanese.

“You guys just know about this?!? And it’s ok?!?”

“Ri-ya,” Younbgae interjected, “is everything ok?”

Seungri turned to him, relief slacking his face. “Youngbae, my sink exploded!” he shouted in distraught Korean.

Youngbae blinked, trying to process the words. “Exploded?”

“EXPLODED!” Seungri was verging on hysterical. “The sinks here just explode! And they know about it!” He gestured frantically at the receptionist. “They’re apparently just OK with it!” Alright, Seungri was into full hysterics. 

The receptionist pulled the phone away from her head, hand covering the receiver, and addressed them in faintly accented Korean. “It is a known issue with that model of sink. We are looking into getting sir,” she nodded at Seungri, “a new room now.” Her pasted on smile was sickly sweet and she resumed speaking into the phone, fingers clacking at the keyboard. Youngbae looked at Seungri, confused. 

“The hotel is booked,” Seungri explained, the register of his voice squeaking higher with each word. Youngbae blinked. “It’s full,” Seungri continued, “they’re saying they’ll have to put me up in their ‘sister location’.”

“Have you talked to Jiyong-ah?” Youngbae asked.

“I tried calling up to his room but - ‘do not disturb’-,” Seungri shrugged, “and his cell is off and the managers -”

“I’m sorry sir-” the receptionist said, “apparently there is some large international group performing today? The hotel is booked solid. I am looking at our sister location only a few miles away for a presidential suite-”

“He can stay with me in room 1203,” Youngbae interrupted her, throwing a comforting arm around Seungri’s waist. He tugged awkwardly at Seungri’s taller frame. 

“Come with me,” he said. 

He guided Seungri towards the elevator and let him vent his frustrations.

“How can this be a  _ known _ issue?” Seungri paced the elevator lobby and Youngbae pushed the up button. “I mean they know about it!” Youngbae slumped against the nearest wall. “The know and they just LET them explode?! They should be doing something about it.” The elevator doors dinged open and Youngbae pulled Seungri into the cab. 

“And there are NO other rooms?” Seungri continued as the doors closed. Youngbae pushed the 12 button. “Literally no rooms?” Youngbae slumped against the back bar of the elevator cab and let Seungri’s tirade wash over him. “Literally NO rooms. We’re Big Bang,  _ Big Bang _ ,” a finger jabbed at  him and he shifted. “We just performed for like 2 million people-,” Youngbae opened his eyes and arched a brow at Seungri. “Whatever- you know what I mean! They were just gonna hustle me off to who knows where in the middle of the night-”

The elevator doors opened and Youngbae dragged a protesting Seungri out into the hallway. “I mean what the hell-” Seungri pushed past him then paused and looked back at Youngbae, “which-?”

Youngbae slumped past him, stopping at door 1203. 

“I mean,” Seungri’s complaints continued, “I tried calling Jiyong-hyung. I really did. But he didn’t answer and you know Top and Daesung-,” he let the sentence trail off. Youngbae nodded as he opened his room door. For appearances sake there would be an empty room between those two but with the way they’d been eyeing one another after the show, trying to interrupt either tonight would be a bad idea. He didn’t blame Seungri for not trying. 

“Anyways -,” Seungri muttered under his breath, awkwardly stepping into Youngbae’s half-lit room. He cleared his throat. “Anyways,” he said, “thank you for letting me stay here. Um. I don’t have any of my stuff.” Seungri scratched at the back of his head. “The sink burst and my suitcase was under it and there was a bunch of water-.”

“It’s ok, you can sleep in what you have on,” Youngbae said, nodding at the pyjama pants under Seungri’s robe, “and we’ll call Seunghyun- hyung tomorrow morning  and see if we can’t borrow something of his.” There was no way his jeans were going to fit Seungri’s longer legs. “And we’ll see if we can get one of the managers to get you some clothes for the rest of the weekend.”

Seungri nodded, toying with the belt of his robe. 

“Come on.” Youngbae walked past him to flick on the bedside lamp. “You can shower first.”

Seungri hummed and kicked off his slippers, making his way to the bathroom. Youngbae stifled a groan as he lowered himself into the armchair by the bed. If he laid down now he’d never get up, and he stank of sweat and makeup and too much cologne. The shower started and he picked up the phone to order some late night room service. He ordered double everything. 

While waiting he flicked through Japanese television, eyes glazing over flashing colors and mind mesmerized by the sound of water pounding in the shower next door. He heard Seungri’s groan echo off the walls and he flashed back to their old shared dorm days.

“Ya!” he shouted, storming over to the bathroom door. He pounded on the frame and bellowed at the healthy young maknae, “no funny business!”

“Hyung!” Seungri’s muffled shout sounded shocked and affronted. 

“Well, don’t take too long,” Youngbae appended lamely.

He sat back down on the foot of the bed, legs bouncing as he waited. Seungri was going to take forever. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he fished it out.  _ Nari _ , he read the name flashing across his screen. He sighed and powered off the phone. 

After Hyorin had ended things he’d jumped right back into the dating game. Everyone said he should get back out there, that was how one got over a break-up, apparently. Nari was one of Kiko’s model friends. She had seemed sweet, kind at first - he liked that in women - and she had professed that she was not deterred by his life as a celebrity. His life on the road wouldn’t be an issue, she had dated idols before. She knew how fans could be. 

It had seemed perfect. Everything that had given Hyorin pause, everything that had ultimately driven her away, had broken his heart would be a non- issue with Nari. It had seemed perfect a year ago.  But the last six months or so-

No, the issues that had driven him and Hyorin apart had never presented themselves with Nari. They’d managed to find themselves a whole different set of problems. He liked her well enough had been close to love a few times. She could be really caring and sweet when she wanted to. If only he could figure out how to stop pissing her off. 

Off and on and off again, their relationships swings were starting to drive him a bit insane. They were off now, and that was probably her wanting to be back on if he could adequately explain how wrong he was. 

Somehow, he was the only one who ever needed to apologize. 

He didn’t feel quite ready to figure her out yet. Tossing the phone to the nightstand, he tried to focus on the television, knees still bouncing erratically. 

He flinched when he realized Seungri was standing beside him, hair sending tiny drips onto the carpet, towel slung across his hips. “Hyung?”

Youngbae shook his head and stood. “You took long enough,” he griped. He grabbed boxers and a t-shirt from his suitcase. He passed the maknae on his way to the shower.

“Hey do you - I don’t have any clean underwear?” Seungri looked at him, hopeful. 

“Yeah, help yourself. In my suitcase.” 

“Youngbae-hyung-” Seungri’s clammy hand wrapped his wrist. “You ok?”

Youngbae offered Seungri a small smile and nod, “just tired Ri-yah.”

Seungri grinned at him. Youngbae began unbuckling his belt as he stepped into the humid bathroom. “I ordered room service,” he said as the door closed behind him.

“Kay.” Seungri’s voice was muffled.

Youngbae danced around the largest of Seungri’s puddles as he stripped and eased himself to steaming water. He let himself groan around the stretching pull of his muscles as he twisted under the spray. The heat seeped into his limbs. They’d have to do this all again tomorrow. 

As he lathered and rinsed his mind wandered to his phone, to Nari. He slumped down against the tiles, letting the water wash over his face. 

 

He emerged from the steam to the detritus of dinner and Seungri sitting sprawled on the bed, loose bathrobe open, absently chewing, eyes glazed and staring past the television. At least he’d managed to find boxers, though they seemed a little pinched by the gentle roll of a full belly.

“Um, Seungri-sshi,” Youngbae said.

“Ya?” Seungri said as he shoveled the last of a bunch of noodles into his mouth.

“The food was for both of us.”

Seungri’s mouth dropped, juice dribbling down his chin. He tried to protest around a mouthful. 

Youngbae grunted and tossed a second towel over his head. “It’s fine,” he said into the darkness. 

“Do you want me to order more?”

“No, Ri,” he toweled furiously at his hair. 

“But,”

“I’m tired and we have to do this again tomorrow.”

He was angry. He shouldn’t be this angry. And really, he wasn’t angry at Seungri, not really. But Nari had called and he hadn’t answered and his chest hurt and it felt good to snap at someone. 

“You can eat the rest of this, Bae-hyung,” Seungri proffered the last of his bowl of noodles. 

Youngbae sighed and walked to hang his towel on its hook. When he re-emerged Seungri was still holding out his bowl of noodles. Youngbae rolled his eyes and sat on the free side of the bed. The bowl poked at his shoulder. Youngbae glared at Seungri. Seungri stared back at him. Unblinking he took his chopsticks and scooped up a bunch of noodles, pressing them up to Youngbae’s lips.

Youngbae rolled his eyes and grabbed Seungri’s wrist to chomp down on the food. He leaned back to chew and noticed Seungri’s eyes soften. 

“Are you ok, hyung, really?” Seungri’s voice was soft. Youngbae tried to straighten his face. “You look kinda sad,” Seungri continued. “Not tired, sad.”

Youngbae didn’t want to answer the question. So he sat in silence, looking at his hands.

“I’m sorry about dinner.” Seungri stood to begin cleaning up after himself. As he stacked everything on the service tray he mumbled, “Nari-noona-.” 

The muscles in Youngbae’s neck flexed automatically, and his fists clenched. “Drop it, Ri.”

Seungri ducked his head and went to leave the tray in the hall. Youngbae took several deep breaths and shut his eyes.  _ He’s just trying to help, be nice,  _ he told himself.

Seungri perched back on the bed. “Sorry.”

“Let’s just go to bed, ya?”

Seungri nodded and began tugging at the sheets. He pulled off the robe, leaving him in just boxer briefs, and slid into the bed. 

“Didn’t you have pants?” Youngbae asked.

“They got wet in the restroom.” 

Youngbae curled in the bed and snaked a hand out to flick off the light. As they settled into darkness, bodies warming the sheets, Seungri rolled to face him. “Thanks for letting me sleep here, hyung.” Seungri’s voice was so contrite and earnest, Youngbae softened. It wasn’t the maknae’s fault Nari kept ending things. 

“It’s ok, Ri, just go to sleep.” He felt Seungri nod, then roll back over. Slowly his breathing evened and deepened. 

 

The bed was rocking. Youngbae blinked, drifting in a sleepy haze. He felt a moment of panic as he realized Seungri was thrashing about on the bed next to him, arms and legs spasming. He reached a hand out.  _ Nightmare? _

Seungri moaned, a breathy whine that tugged at Youngbae. He froze, hand hovering over Seungri. His breath caught and blood rushed to his cheeks as Seungri let out another moan. Slender hips were thrusting up into the sheets erratically. Youngbae knew he should shout, yell, but he lay watching Seungri in the faint light glowing from the window. 

Seungri was asleep, hands scrambling for purchase on the sheets,  fists clenching and unclenching as his legs shifted, needy in their frenzy. The low whines continued, punctuated by staccato breaths. Youngbae just kept watching, propped on an elbow and eyes tracing the lines of Seungri’s neck down his chest, which heaved with arousal. 

Seungri’s lips were moving, fluttering with barely spoken words. “Please.” Youngbae read. Unbidden, Youngbae’s hovering hand settled, low on Seungri’s over-heated skin. Ripples of muscle flexed tight and loose under his palm. 

“Shh,” he whispered, soothing, hand rubbing a small circle over silken skin. 

Seungri gasped. “Please,” he begged, low and raw. His arms and legs stilled as Youngbae’s hand slid over him but his hips rocked up into Youngbae’s touch. Youngbae’s heart was pounding, sending blood rushing through his ears. His breath was tight, stuck in his chest as slowly his hand slipped lower. The feel of soft cotton burned his fingers as they slipped down his boxers. 

Seungri kept chanting pleas again and again rolling up. Youngbae held his breath as he felt Seungri’s length slide under his palm, hard under the fabric. His hand curled reflexively. Youngbae stared at Seungri, his eyes darting quickly under closed lids. He sucked his plump lower lip, catching it between white teeth. His brow was furrowed as the pace of his thrusts increased. He grunted with each push, chest rising and falling rapidly. 

Youngbae tightened his grip, fingers curling around Seungri’s girth sheathed in fabric. He should be embarrassed, repulsed, yet he could not turn away. It felt so strange yet familiar. Seungri’s cock was pulsing in his hand. Youngbae twisted his wrist and Seungri whined again. He loosened his grip and Seungri whimpered. 

“Shhh,” Youngbae soothed and tightened his grip again, pumping slowly up and down Seungri’s cock. 

“Yes.” Seungri’s whisper sent electricity down Youngbae’s spine and he felt a tug at his own cock. He was hard, had been hard for a while.  _ Shit _ . He slipped a hand down to himself, gripping his cock at the base, hard.  _ No. _

He kept stroking with his other hand and Seungri’s breath stuttered, coming in shallow pants. Youngbae looked down and saw the faintest curve of the head of Seungri’s cock, slipping above the loose band of his briefs. Two thrusts pulled it into the palm of his hand and Seungri’s curled up, every muscle taut. His head fit itself into the curve of Youngbae’s neck and he felt hot breath along his collarbone. A small hand snaked up his arm to grip his bicep tight. Youngbae focused on the slippery hot skin pushing into his hand, wet and hard. Lips pressed against his neck and Seungri spasmed in his arms. He felt a stream of hot wetness pool in his fist. 

Seungri fell limp onto the bed and an arm slid around Youngbae’s shoulders. He was pulled in tight to Seungri’s body. Lips kissed at his hair and Seungri sighed, body relaxing into Youngbae. Youngbae’s hand was wet, slack against Seungri’s hip and his heart was racing but Seungri’s breath was calm and deep. He should wait a minute or two, he thought, hypnotized by the slow rise of Seungri’s chest, he’d wait then roll over.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this story is something different for me, in terms of process, not style. I'm an obsessive control freak who is incapable of writing a story consecutively. So I challenged myself to do two things: Write a serial consecutively, and give up knowing every last moment of a fic and let them happen. So.... this story isn't finished but is planned for about 10 chapters, several of which have already been written. I know where it's going and vaguely how we are going to get there. My current goal is a new chapter update every week. I'll do my best to meet that goal. 
> 
> Also, this is largely self beta'd so - please comment if you see an error or if something in the story isn't working for you.  
>  
> 
> Thanks to my fav, TOPcorn, for reading and cheering me along with this fic. She gifted me with some awesome fanart of baeri in this chapter. Please check it out [here](http://croatoan-the-line.tumblr.com/post/135570644009/inspired-by-chapter-1-of-mousiesshis-brojobs).


	2. The Day After

He was awake, but not quite ready to be up. The bed was warm and the sheets soft and no light was stabbing his eyes so he could sleep for a while yet. His muscles had that warm, used feeling that came the day after a performance. He snuggled into the arm draped low on his hip and then stretched up against the hand pressed against his morning-hardened cock. 

_ Must have been a good night _ , he thought, brain spinning back down into a dream. 

 

The darkness behind his eyelids was a little brighter when he came-to again, the feeling of warm breaths ghosting over the nape of his neck. He snuggled back, hand going to the forearm on his hip.  _ Wait _ , his heart jumped as it felt toned muscle under his palm, he dragged his hand down to stroke the fingers resting along his cock, just to check. It’d been awhile since he’d brought home a man, and he’d never done so on tour. 

The man behind him sighed softly and the hand on him flexed softly over his length.  _ Youngbae _ , his mind scrambled. Youngbae slept curled up around him, his head pressed into the valley between Seungri’s shoulder blades. It had been a long time since he’d woken snuggling into one of his members. They were getting too old for this, thankfully. That fact had prevented him from any awkwardness around his  _ condition _ . Still, he wasn’t quite so keen on the slender fingers cupping his morning wood. He tugged gently at Youngbae’s hand and it flexed again before sliding up his stomach, roughly. Too roughly. Seungri looked down and saw the telltale stains on the borrowed (?) underwear. 

His heart thudded painfully and he jerked around. Youngbae’s face scrunched at the sudden movement. Seungri tried to wrap his mind around the evidence.  _ Shit, nooo,  _ he whimpered in his own mind. This was not happening. He slid out from Youngbae’s arm and scrambled to find a robe, slippers, anything. He shoved himself into the still slightly damp pants pooled on the floor of the bathroom and ran from the hotel room.

 

Jiyong opened the door to his room in a rumpled huff, phone in hand. “Took you long enough to find it,” he said as he walked back into darkness and collapsed back in bed, not even seeing Seungri. 

“Do you have pants?” Seungri asked, voice fluttering around the adrenalin still pumping him up. He walked over to Jiyong’s open suitcase and began tossing around clothes. 

“Nothing is gonna fit you.” Jiyong’s voice was muffled by blankets and pillows burying his head. “Ya,” he said, throwing off the bedding and finally looking at Seungri, “where are your clothes?”

Seungri grabbed a baggier pair of jeans and shucked off his pyjama pants. He made sure to angle his groin  _ away _ from Jiyong, the sight of the stains on the front of his boxers spiking guilt in his gut. “Hey why are you wearing Bae’s underwear,” Jiyong said from behind him as he yanked Jiyong’s pants on. The stuck painfully over his thighs and he wriggled to get them up. Why were all Jiyong’s pants so  _ tight _ ?

“I slept in Bae’s room,” Seungri said, turning and trying to zip up the fly. “Why are your hips so small?”

“Why are your hips so big?” Jiyong snarked. “No seriously, Bae’s underwear.”

Seungri settled on getting the zip up halfway as he explained his night. Well, most of his night. He edited out his morning. 

“I couldn’t fit into Bae’s clothes and he’s still sleeping and Daesung and Top-hyung-” he trailed off. 

“Well,” Jiyong said, getting out of bed, “this just mean we get to go  _ shopping  _ before tonight’s show!” 

 

Seungri kept them at the trendy Japanese boutique for as long as he possibly could. He was cutting it close. Jiyong knew he wasn’t  _ this _ picky, and they were going to be late for soundcheck but he couldn’t bear seeing Youngbae just yet.

“Hey get me the black one, I don’t like the blue,” he shouted to Jiyong waiting outside the dressing room door.

“Fine, but hurry it up already, we’re going to be late.” 

_ Hopefully we are already late, _ Seungri thought to himself. A black shirt sailed over the door at him and he pulled it on. He didn’t even bother looking in the mirror, he just shifted his weight while twisting and tugging at the fabric under his hands. He tried to keep his mind off last night, but the phantom press of Youngbae’s chest burned the skin of his back. He stifled a groan and tried to shake the heat of toned arms enfolding him, of soft hands on his skin. He didn’t even know what had happened. Not really. He could guess but - 

“Ya, Lee Seungri!” Jiyong shouted at him. “Hurry your slow ass UP, man.”

“Yeah, sorry,” he said, emerging from the fitting room. He grabbed at the pile of clothes by Jiyong, indiscriminately, and made his way to the counter. 

“Seriously, Ri, when have you ever been this picky?” Jiyong arched an eyebrow at the pile on the counter as the clerk began ringing them up. “I thought you didn’t like the blue.” 

“I figured I might as well.”

“Whatever man, just hurry it up, the driver’s been waiting for like twenty minutes. Hey-,” fingers gripped at Seungri’s elbow. Seungri met his leader’s eyes. “Seungri, you ok?”

Seungri ducked his head, hoping his cheeks didn’t flush too dark. “Yeah, just a bit out of it.” He grabbed for a pair of large, dark glasses by the cash register. “These too,” he mumbled in Japanese, shoving the glasses onto his face. Jiyong screwed up his face and Seungri could feel eyes boring into the back of his head. 

“Look man,” Jiyong said, throwing an arm up around Seungri’s shoulders as they walked out of the store, overburdened with more clothes than Seungri possibly needed. “Seungri,” Jiyong continued, “if there is something bothering you, you can talk to me.”

He wanted to. Working out what had happened last night with someone would probably help. Jiyong’s face was so open and patient, his focus was so sincere. But he remembered why he hadn’t told Jiyong about his condition to begin with. The little gossip queen, of all people Jiyong was the  _ last  _ person Seungri should confide in. He looked at Jiyong’s large, dark eyes, filled with care, the hand draped over his thigh as they sat in the back of the car on the way to the venue. He was tempted. He shook his head.

“It’s nothing, Ji,” Seungri said. This was how the imp managed to get all the dirt. He was so good. He shrugged off Jiyong’s hand and looked at the crowded streets slipping by the car window. 

They had to run to make it to stage, the rest of the members already there and the band tuning up. Rushing through the dressing room Seungri managed to snag a facemask to cover his mouth. He was hiding in plain sight but it made him feel better. Youngbae was bopping at the front of the round stage, ripped jeans stuffed into open boots, sleeveless shirt pooling over his tight frame, bandana wrapped around his neck. He was crooning and hamming up for the handful of VIPs squealing in the pit. 

Seungri let himself blush behind the face mask. Youngbae’s voice was a high falsetto but all he could hear was the low rasp of his sleepy snores.  _ Get yourself together, man. _ Seungri said. Ten years with some of the most beautiful and talented people in Korea and he’d never crushed on a one of them, (apart from a brief infatuation with Seunghyun but  _ everyone _ had one of those) now was not the time to start. 

Desperately he tried to remember living with Youngbae. He racked his brain for the most disgusting, unattractive moments he must have shared with Youngbae, throwing up at an after party, stinking up a bathroom, sweaty, unkempt hair after a workout, the way his skin glowed after a show, the way his eyes were sparkling lit up on a 20 foot screen behind the stage.

_ Fuck _ .

He made a point to position himself as far from Youngbae as possible. He sang to an eager little huddle hoisting signs with his name, but the dark glasses on his face let his eyes drift to where Youngbae was jumping on Jiyong just at the corner of his vision. 

He fled the stage as soon as humanly possible and beelined for the first makeup chair. He lost himself in the press of foundation and powder and eyeliner as he tried to wrangle his thoughts. It’s not like he’d never slept in a bed with his hyung before. It’s not like he’d never woken up with those hands and arms draped over him; Youngbae was a notorious cuddler. He remembered the stained boxers he’d stuffed into the trashcan of the dressing room at his first chance. 

No, this time hadn’t been anything like those. He wished he knew what exactly had happened the night before. He wished he knew that he’d just jerked himself off in a confused fever dream, sleeping Youngbae blissfully unaware. He wished he couldn't remember the way Youngbae’s hand curled around his early-morning erection. He wished he could remember that Youngbae was as straight as could be and had a girlfriend (or had, and likely would again in a week or two if history was any guide).

He collapsed on the couch to wait for show time, eyes closed in a pantomime of sleep, so he didn’t see how Youngbae’s eyes watched him reflected in the mirrors.

 

 

* * *

 

 

In a way, Youngbae was glad he’d woken alone. He wasn’t sure how he would have handled Seungri sleeping in his bed. He’d spent the morning laying in bed trying to ignore the feel of Seungri’s skin burned into his fingertips. Guilt coiled in his gut as he tried to rationalize but - there was no excusing it. He’d taken advantage of his sleeping maknae. 

He had no excuse: exhaustion, inebriation, depression, none. He should have shaken the boy, woken him up when he realized it was a dream. He’d hoped that Seungri wouldn’t remember, but when he wasn’t at the venue for soundcheck suspicion began to solidify in his gut. 

He was glad Jiyong wasn’t there either. Seunghyun and Daesung were so wrapped in each other, sneaky attempts as flirting so obvious all the cordi-noonas and dancers were giggling affectionately behind hands and in corners, they wouldn't notice him being off.  Lacking Jiying, no one was there to notice his distress. He almost welcomed the texts from Nari. Almost. Not enough to respond just yet. 

He sat waiting for the call to stage and scrubbed anxious hands through his hair. Maybe, maybe it was no big deal. He’d just - helped out. He’d have done the same for Jiyong, or Seunghyun.

_ What the fuck, ‘Bae. _ A small voice nagged at him but he shoved it down and went on stage, huge smile for his VIPs plastered to his face. 

He  _ felt _ when Seungri entered, like a shock of electricity over his skin. Glasses and a mask obscured his face but Youngbae was painfully aware of his lack of greeting. He could feel the distance between himself and the maknae. Seungri knew what had happened, how horribly Youngbae had violated him. 

Youngbae wanted to crawl into a hole and never emerge. 

 

The show went off without a hitch. Youngbae practically sprinted backstage after, ripping off his stage outfit and grabbing at wipes to scrub his face. The sooner he was at the after party the more alcohol he could consume before passing out. 

“Hey, hyung,” Seungri’s voice behind him froze him cold. “Uh-,” their eyes met in the mirror of the makeup counter, “thanks for letting me crash last night.”

Youngbae was a mass of confusion. Whatever expression was in Seungri’s eyes it wasn’t anger, or revulsion.

“Uh yeah, sure.”

He watched the maknae turn and recede, reflected in the glass. He was painfully aware that his eyes were tracing the lines of Seungri’s thighs in too tight pants.

_ What The Fuck _ ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all those who added kudos and commented. I appreciate every bit of interaction. I hope you enjoyed it.


	3. Double Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....loook at these two frustrating idiots.... *rolls eyes*....

Seungri was glad that they no longer shared a dorm full time. He thanked Papa YG that they each had their own homes to go to every night so he didn’t have to be confronted with Youngbae and could pretend that there was no growing sense of attraction fluttering about his heart, and, other, places. Thus, he’d had ten blissful nights of playing make-believe in the clubs of Seoul’s elite. 

Technically he was supposed to be resting but, sleeping from 2am ‘til 2pm was resting, right? He was fully aware, however, that no matter how many girls he ground up on in the club, the people who woke up with him at 2pm were all male, all shorter than him, with small eyes, petite frames and remarkable musculature. 

Well, Seungri had accepted his bisexuality years ago. After all, no one spends their formative years living with Kwon Jiyong and turns out entirely straight. Well, unless you're  Youngbae-hyung-

“Fuck me,” Seungri said aloud.

“Sorry?” A voice came from vaguely to his left, muffled by a pile of blankets and pillows. They parted to reveal a beautiful specimen of Korean masculinity. Seungri grimaced in disappointment. 

“Nothing,” he replied, throwing himself out of the bed and rummaging for some pants. 

The man - Min Woo? - rolled over to stretch seductively, making sure to rock his hips, highlighting the hard curve of his engorged cock. “Breakfast?” he asked. Sober, Seungri had no appetite. He grunted and shook his head, tossing Min Woo his clothes. 

Thankfully, the man got the point and was gone by the time Seungri was out of his shower. He spent over an hour agonizing over his clothes.  _ Airport fashion _ , he rationed to himself.

He was going to have to get over this crush pretty quick, he was about to spend a weekend with Youngbae. Maybe he could avoid his hyung as much as possible, play with Daesung and - no, he wouldn’t torture himself by watching Daesung and Seunghyun. They were disgusting when flirting. Well, not really, they were adorable, but, not when staving off inappropriate feelings. 

He grabbed for his phone, thinking of texting Moeka and seeing if she could round up some model friends for him to escape with. His phone opened to his pictures and the memory of last night came back, explaining the frustration that had been churning in him all afternoon. 

He flicked through picture after picture of Jo Nari-ssi, drunk and pasted to beautiful man after beautiful man. Apparently she and Youngbae were still on the outs. He shouldn’t care but - he stopped on the last photo: Nari pressing red lips into the curve of Min Woo’s neck. He chunked his phone onto the bed and grabbed for the first pair of jeans and the first shirt he could find, throwing them on and stuffing a suitcase. 

It was one night, he reasoned to himself on the drive to the airport, one night when he’d embarrassed himself in front of his hyung. Whatever happened when they were asleep - they had been  _ asleep _ . This - crush - he was having was ridiculous and doomed. Hyung was  _ straight _ , so fucking straight it hurt, and Seungri had had enough pain from straight men that he should know better. But his brain and his heart conspired against him, his mind replaying the feel of Youngbae wrapped around him, stuttering the beating of his heart. 

 

Whatever  _ had _ happened that night, Youngbae’s hands had been on him the next morning, touching him. His hips still burned from the feel of Youngbae. He caught his breath and pinched himself hard in an attempt to stave off his growing erection. He’d find himself a nice boy or girl, maybe start a two or three week fling and this growing infatuation would wear itself off. The van stopped at the airport and Seungri looked out the window to see Youngbae laughing at Jiyong, eyes dancing. Seungri closed his eyes and focused on breathing. 

  
  


“Hyuuuung,” Daesung jumped on his back and Youngbae’s knees threatened to buckle. He laughed and looked into Daesung’s smiling face. “Hyung come to the club with us! Everyone is going, Jiyong, Ri-” 

Youngbae’s stomach lurched. Things had been awkward all weekend. Two days of concerts and he’d barely said two words to Seungri. He didn’t know  _ what _ to say. He didn’t know where to look when he saw his maknae. He really didn’t want to go to a club with him, watch him dance with pretty people and laugh his huge, obnoxious, braying laugh. 

Still sweat damp and half out of his stage costume, he smiled awkwardly up at Daesung and struggled to shrug him off. He’d honestly been looking forward to a quiet wind down in his hotel room, alone. “Come on, Bae,” Seunghyun said, pulling Daesung off of him.

“Yeah- come.” Youngbae looked up into Seungri’s blue-lensed eyes and found himself saying, “sure, ok.”

 

The club was nearly at capacity and he’d seen his members drifting in and out of his vision off and on through the night. Every so often Jiyong would show up with a drink, to grin at him as he tossed it back. Over time he realized he was dancing next to Seungri. How they’d wound up together he chalked up to the shifting of mindless masses or gyrating bodies.

Their eyes met briefly and Youngbae hoped the flashing lights obscured his blush. He hip swiveled through a heart flutter as Seungri hooked an arm over his shoulder, but he inwardly sighed in relief as he followed Seungri’s gaze to the two girls dancing just ahead of them. Youngbae grinned up at Seungri and made his way over to the girls pretending not to be looking at them. He felt Seungri just behind him.

There was no way to speak, but they nodded at each other. Seungri moved ahead of him, smoothly claiming the taller girl, leaving him the one shorter than him. Youngbae grimaced internally but acknowledged the gesture. 

His girl was cute, he supposed. She turned to press her ass into him. Looking up his eyes met Seungri’s again, face half hidden by his girl’s hair. Seungri grinned at him, Youngbae smirked back and put his hands on the hips pressing back into him. She bent at the waist, curving her back away from him and he looked down. He dragged a hand up the curve of her spine, thrusting his hips up into her. His skin burned under the weight of Seungri’s eyes, still watching him over his girl’s shoulder. 

She snapped back up to him, hair flying past his face as he swooped down to press his lips into her neck. He let the muscles of his back and hips loose so he swayed into her, body rolling in waves set to the demands of the beat. He chanced a peek at Seungri only to get an eyeful of his back as he thrust up against his partner. 

He felt his cock throb and told himself it was because his girl had turned to press plump, firm breasts against his chest. She dropped her head to his shoulder, thighs sliding between his and grinding up against his growing erection. He pressed into her and watched Seungri’s hips gyrate, focused on slender hands gripping the other girl’s waist. He was staring. He had to stop staring.

He turned to his girl and nosed at her, pulling her up to kiss. He screwed his eyes shut and pushed his tongue into her, feeling her heat grinding along his thickening shaft. He broke off the kiss to let his head fall back. Confusion rolled around in him as the heat from the press of bodies unspooled his mind. There was something wrong with him, something wrong with - 

He heard Seungri shouting over a lull in the music. “Let’s get out of here, hyung.” 

He screwed his eyes shut tighter and caught his breath before opening them. Seungri had an arm pulling his girl into him as she writhed, still dancing. Seungri arched a brow at him, suggestively. Youngbae nodded to his girl in question and Seungri nodded in return. 

The club teetered in his vision as he pulled his partner off the dance floor. She followed without question, knowing smirk quirking her pretty lips. Youngbae tightened his lips in a smile back and followed Seungri and the other girl out of the club. In the chill of the street he pulled his girl close into him. 

Seungri did the same, nuzzling into her and speaking loud enough for their little huddle to hear. “You girls want to come to a private party?” His mouth curved into a wicked grin. 

The girls giggled in harmonious pitch, mouths hidden demurely behind hands and eyes devouring both boys. They nodded and Seungri spun wide, arms outspread to hail a cab.

They crammed themselves into the back of the taxi, a tight feat managed by the other girl - Aiko - curling herself on Seungri’s lap. His girl - Mina - sat between them but leaned into him. Seungri rattled off the hotel address and turned his attention to Aiko, pressing his lips to her's. Youngbae ducked his head to blow and nip at the shell of Mina’s ear, his eyes catching glimpses in the shifting streetlights of Seungri’s hands, sliding along Aiko’s knee, along the inner curve of her thigh, to disappear into into the darkness of her skirt. 

Youngbae groaned, trying to concentrate on the slender hand stroking his own thigh but he couldn’t tear his eyes from the line of Seungri’s forearm. The sound of Seungri’s moans as he kissed Aiko reverberated in his mind. Had Seungri always been so sensual? 

He nibbled at ear and traced the curve of Seungri’s neck, jaw, brow, with his eyes. He watched the bob of Seungri’s adam’s apple as the kisses deepened and absorbed the other couple. He watched the shifting of the jacket sheathing Seungri’s forearm between Aiko’s legs. He felt sick. He closed his eyes and sucked Mina’s earlobe between his teeth. 

The drive ended and Youngbae’s head spun. The chill spilling in from the open car door sent shivers down his spine. He followed Mina out of the cab and adjusted himself. He hoped it was late enough that no one noticed the bulge his pants didn’t hide. 

Seungri kept Aiko pressed to him, hands running liberally over the curves of her hip and back. His hands were strong and firm, fingers long and nimble. Aiko giggled and curled away from tickling fingertips and Youngbae gripped tight onto Mina’s shoulder. She pressed into him as they waited for the elevator. 

He was drunk. That was the reason, the reason he couldn’t tear his eyes from his maknae. Once in the elevator he pulled Mina into him and kissed her, closing his eyes to Seungri and Aiko. He felt the buzz of alcohol swimming around his head. Yes, he was drunk. He was drunk and he was going to go into his hotel room with a stunningly beautiful woman. He was going to get her to blow him then he was going to pass out and this would all become a drunken haze. 

He opened his door and as he was going to pull Mina into his room and say goodnight to the other couple he saw Seungri looking at him with wide eyes, swaying gently as he patted at his pockets in desperation.

“No,” Seungri whispered. He’d lost his key.

Youngbae threw open his door, jerking his head, beckoning Seungri and his girl in. He  _ was _ drunk. 

Aiko giggled and threw herself onto the bed. Seungri walked past him, head down and a flush across his cheeks, not meeting Youngbae’s eyes but merely muttering a low thanks. He slid himself up Aiko’s long body, fitting himself along her perfectly. Youngbae was staring again. 

Lips pressed against his neck and he heard a low moan from Mina. Yes, Mina. He tore his eyes from Seungri’s slowly rotating hips and stumbled to a wall, a wall where he couldn’t see his maknae, where he could focus on the beautiful eyes looking up at him, the silken limbs wrapping around him, the full red lips curving up to kiss him. He closed his eyes and let the wall keep him vertical.

He let Mina do the work, and she was quite skilled. Not that he had a ton of experience but - Seungri moaned and his eyes fluttered open. Mina was tracing a trail of kisses down his barely clad shirt so there was nothing to block his view to the mirror. The mirror directly across from him, the mirror that gave him a perfect view of Seungri, propped up on a mass of pillows, head thrown back as Aiko made her own way down his chest. 

He stared, mesmerized by the flush of Seungri’s cheeks that disappeared beneath the neck of his shirt. He watched as feminine hands pushed up his shirt to reveal abs and pecs. Seungri had beautiful definition. Youngbae had seen it before, in the gym. He didn’t need to see it again. 

He watched as muscle bunched and flexed under Aiko’s hands. He wasn’t aware that his breathing had synched perfectly to the rise and fall of Seungri’s chest. The world was spinning, he couldn’t breathe. He closed his eyes. 

Seungri was moaning, wanton, breathy sounds that seemed to surround him. Every so often there was a little whine that sent a throbbing ache through his balls. Wetness engulfed his cock. He’d never even noticed he’d been exposed but his hands went, instinctively, to the head bobbing over his length. He held her firm and rocked himself into the slick wetness. His hips thrust to the pattern of Seungri’s moans.  

A tongue swirled around his cock and he pounded his head against the wall, needy begging slipping from his lips. There were girls voices, high pitched whines and squeals, the wet soft slurping sounds of greedy mouths. All he heard was Seungri. 

He opened his eyes. Seungri’s head was rocking back and forth on the pillows, perfectly gelled hair a perfect mess over his forehead. His lips were full, raw, red. His eyes were screwed shut. Aiko’s head obscured everything below the first ripples of Seungri’s stomach, black hair bobbing up and down quickly, setting a pace for both couples. 

Seungri’s lips disappeared between teeth and Youngbae focused, insanely, on the tightening rhythmic flex of Seungri’s hands in the sheets. Hands stroked up his thigh and he felt himself nearing the edge. 

There was a shift to Seungri’s face, a sudden slackness that drew Youngbae in. 

“I’m, I’m-” Seungri panted, “gonna-”

Youngbae shouted and came, choking a startled Mina, but his hands tightened reflexively on her head. He pumped himself empty into her and nearly collapsed. 

Aiko’s giggle crashed through his afterglow. “I’m gonna make my oppa come just as hard,” she gloated. “He won’t even think to choke me.”

Youngbae snapped up. Seungri’s face in the mirror fell and his body froze. 

“Hey!” Youngbae shouted, yanking up his pants. “What the hell?!” He grabbed at her back and hauled her off of Seungri. She tried to fight him but he grabbed both her hands in one of his and held them behind her back. 

“What kind of shit was that?” He couldn’t stop shouting, language slipping on his rage. He flung open the door and tossed her into the hall, followed by her shoes. He looked at Mina, still on the floor. “Out!”

She grabbed for her things and followed her friend. Youngbae slammed the door behind them as hard as he could. He stood panting, not looking at Seungri. 

“No one-,” he paused, “No one shit talks you. Not in front of me.”

“Bae-”

“I’m going to shower.”

He hid himself in the restroom. 

 

Seungri was so stupid. So fucking stupid. What the hell had he been thinking, coming home with a girl and Youngbae. How had this been a good idea? Well he’d thought watching Youngbae with a girl would get it into his head that Youngbae was straight, straight, straight. And Aiko had been pretty.

He curled in on himself as he heard the shower start. Shame and embarrassment flooded through him. It had been a long time since someone had mentioned his scandal. Still, it’s memory seared his heart. 

But Youngbae had stopped her, had hauled her off him, had protected him. Youngbae was too good, too caring, to compassionate. His mind threw the image of what Youngbae would look like right now in the shower right next to him. Youngbae was too fucking hot. Seungri had been close, so fucking close. The sounds Youngbae made had been, low, rough guttural grunts, nothing like the soaring sound of his singing voice. Youngbae’s voice had been raw and needy. It’s sound had driven him mad. If Aiko hadn’t pulled off when the growls erupted into orgasmic cries, Seungri would have come.

Now he was left aching, in heart and balls. He stroked himself and groaned. And he was still hard. He closed his eyes and remembered the way Youngbae’s face had looked, in the briefest moment he’d allowed himself to peek at the mirror across from them. Youngbae’s face, a moment before orgasm replayed in his mind.

This was so fucking stupid. Seungri’s hand flew over his own pulsing cock. He’d be smart when he was sober.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to all who have subbed and commented. I know I say that every time but really, you make this worth it for me. I know it's a small ship so each little bit of feedback is priceless. This update brings me up to date with most of what I've written so far. The goal is still to update weekly and hopefully the holiday doesn't put me behind too much. I hope you enjoyed, and have a Happy Thanksgiving!


	4. Not a Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a day late. I got called in to work yesterday and was asked to start pulling overtime for the next three weeks. Thankfully tonight was emergency server maintenance so I was able to work this out. I am still hopeful I can keep my once a week update schedule, but it may slip a bit here and there OTL. Because it's late I'm posting it as is. I'll go back over and correct this weekend but it doesn't look to be in too rough of shape. Let me know if you catch anything glaring. Also:  
> TW: Dubcon

Seungri’s phone had been buzzing. He was aware of it coming and going in his sleep-haze. His mouth tasted like ass, and his head pounded in agony. On the third or seventh call, he waved an arm to get it to stop. There was a clatter and silence. He sighed.

He jerked awake. There was pounding, and shouting. Someone was calling him - Jiyong. His door jiggled and opened and he curled into a ball. 

“Seungri, get - out - of - bed.” Jiyong’s voice was hard. “Seriously what the hell were you doing drinking so much? I had to drag your ass in here last night.” The drapes opened, sending stabbing shards of light into Seungri’s eyes. He whined. “It is NOT ok to fall asleep in the hall of a five-star hotel Seungri-ya. I don’t care how shitfaced you are. You could have gone to Bae’s room. He came home early too.”

A delicate hand pressed against his forehead. “Shit, Ri, you’re burning up. Are you sick?” Seungri nodded piteously. Really he was hungover as fuck and had been burrowed in infinite blankets but would take any bit of sympathy. “Look, I’ll book your room for another night.” The door to his minibar opened and closed. “Drink this whole bottle of water, then sleep.”

Seungri sensed Jiyong walking towards the door. “Ya,” Jiyong said softly, “Youngbae is scheduled to stay an extra day. I’ll have him check in on you.” Seungri flashed back to Youngbae’s face last night and he flinched. He wanted to be sick as his heart thudded in excitement. 

 

Jiyong had texted Youngbae, letting him know Seungri was sick. Youngbae had been in bed still, trying to shake of the ‘whatever’ he was feeling from last night. He’d felt a pang of sympathy at the thought of Seungri ill but that was quickly erased as a vague anxiety took its place when the leader commanded he check in on their maknae.

He’d decided to sleep for a few more hours before dragging himself out of bed to wander into his bathroom. He stepped on a soggy towel and grimaced as cold water soaked through his socks. He sighed and cursed his drunk last-night self as he picked up the mess on the floor.  Memories slammed into his brain, a drunken blowjob, him throwing the women out of the room for doing - something - to Seungri, he swayed as he tried to pinpoint what. There were large blank gaps in last night for him. Something had happened. Something - not right. It had to have. He scoured his teeth and tried to shrug away the general unease that was trying to settle between his shoulder blades. 

He was certain, however, that he didn’t really need to go check on Seungri. The kid had just drunk too much and needed to sleep is all, he tried to reason, to shut down the maternal instinct he’d been cursed with before it worked itself up. No he’d scheduled this day as a way to escape the shit of his failed personal life and enjoy losing himself in Japan.

First was breakfast, er, lunch, he corrected, checking the time on his phone. There was a little European bistro right across the street from the hotel, he’d eat and wake up and then wander, wherever he wanted to his heart’s content. 

 

Seungri woke up starved with the feelings of ants crawling under his skin. He needed to get out, into the air. A quick shower and shave had him feeling almost completely better. He bundled himself tight but the crisp mid-morning air pricked at his skin. He wrapped his scarf tight and put on dark shades against the glare of the sun off ice. 

The smell of warm bread pulled at him. He loved Western style bread. He passed a line of wrought iron tables and chairs and turned in to a cafe proudly boasting what he believed was coffee and pastries (his written Japanese was still rough). This was what he needed: carbs and coffee. He made his way to the counter and ordered a chocolate croissant and the biggest coffee they had. As he reached for his wallet, however, he heard a voice claim, “I got it.” His heart stuttered at Youngbae’s voice.

“Hyung-” He said, turning in surprise and fighting to calm his jitters. “You’re here.”

Youngbae smiled at him. “Yeah,” he said, “needed a day off.” Youngbae’s eyes were beautiful when he smiled and Seungri cursed the fact that he remembered every moment of the night before.

“Oh,” Seungri said as Youngbae handed the barista cash. “No, hyung I got it.”

“No, Ji told me to look out for you. I can get it.” Youngbae nodded at the Barista and moved aside, fingers reaching to tug Seungri along. 

They stood and Seungri felt increasingly agitated, awkward, enamoured. Youngbae just kept sipping on his coffee, watching the television playing behind the counter, oblivious to Seungri attempting to use his toe to dig a crack in the floor large enough to swallow him whole. 

“You can enjoy the day on your own, hyung,” Seungri said, looking everywhere and nowhere. “I’ll get my coffee and head back to the room.”

“Nah, it’s ok, we can hang,” Youngbae said, eyes still on the television.

“I don’t need a babysitter, hyung, Jiyong won’t care and I’m fine.”

Youngbae looked at him, eyebrows furrowed. “You ok, Ri?”

Seungri shrugged. “Yeah, sure.” He tried for a smile. 

“Come hang out with me, then, it isn’t babysitting.” Youngbae paused, considering Seungri’s face. “Look, your Japanese is better than mine. Show me around, help me out. We can do a little shopping for the moms or something. You don’t have to go back to the hotel room if you’re feeling ok.”

A day with Youngbae was the absolute worst thing he could do in his condition, with the butterflies devouring his stomach. “Alright, hyung,” he said, mouth curving into a genuine smile. 

Seungri muched on his croissant as they walked out of the Bistro holding steaming cups. Youngbae set off, meandering down the main avenue towards a park. At its edge he fished a coin out of his pants and bought a newspaper from the mechanical dispenser. He then trotted to the closest bench and kicked off the melting ice. Seungri looked up at him, confused. Youngbae smiled up at him, unfolding the newspaper over the damp bench, wiping it dry. Satisfied, he stepped back and disposed of the newspaper. Seungri couldn’t help but chuckle as Youngbae proudly and regally sat upon the bench, limbs spread. A hand patted at the back of the bench and Seungri shrugged, slumping down to sit beside Youngbae. 

They watched kids chase one another around the playground. Easy silence fell between them as they sipped their coffee and enjoyed the cold. 

“That kid’s gonna be trouble,” Youngbae muttered as Seungri polished off his food. He followed where Youngbae indicated, to a little boy running around trying to kiss the little girls. Seungri laughed.

“You watch,” Youngbae promised. A hand clapped on Seungri’s shoulder. “Was our little Seungri-child that bad with the ladies? Huh?”

“Nah,” Seungri said, smiling at Youngbae, “the girls didn’t run away from  _ me _ .”

“Uh huh,” Youngbae teased. “Oof.” As they watched one of the girls, the smallest, walked up to the boy and punched him right in the mouth, sending him to the ground. “Good for her,” Youngbae said. They shared a smile.

Youngbae drained the last of his coffee and stood. “Ready?” He asked. Seungri nodded and stood, the earlier awkwardness gone completely. “C’mon I think I saw a jewelry store just up from the hotel.” 

They walked companionably, but without talking. Seungri just enjoyed the presence of his hyung beside him and the stream of people for them to watch. The jewelry store turned up being several blocks from the hotel, and it was mid-range, but the pieces were really quite nice. 

Upon walking in he instantly spotted a turquoise ring showpiece that he just knew Youngbae’s mother would love. “Hyung,” he said, nodding at it with his head. Youngbae lit up and went straight to it, looking at it from multiple sides.  Seungri waved to the sales girl for Youngbae. While the two discussed the piece he wandered up and down the display cases. 

There was one piece he kept wandering to. He hovered over it for a few moments before walking away, only to come back around to it. It was a ring, white gold with dozens of tiny embedded diamonds, but the pattern was unique. The gold intercut the diamonds, forming a sunburst. 

Seungri was self aware enough to know what he was doing and why. It still didn’t stop him from raising a finger at the store clerk and making quiet arrangements to send a properly sized version of the ring to his address in Seoul.

“Find anything?” Youngbae asked as he came up behind Seungri, arm going over Seungri’s shoulders. Seungri sighed, grateful he’d just put his credit card away and smiled at Youngbae. 

“Yeah I just ordered something to be shipped to my mom,” he lied. “And I think this piece will do for Jiyong’s mother.” He gestured at a brooch and Youngbae nodded in agreement. “And finally,” he swept along the displays, pulling Youngbae along, “this.” He looked at Youngbae, hopeful that Youngbae would get it.

“Oh man, they’re perfect,” he said, secret smile playing around his lips. They looked down at almost matching heart pendants. Couple necklaces that would interlock when slid alongside one another. “Their moms will just love it,” Youngbae declared with a nod, arms crossing over his chest, settling the matter.

Seunghyun and Daesung’s mothers were over the moon about their children's romance. They cackled like mad women making fanciful plans for adopted children and high-class visits to the states to arrange a luxury destination wedding. They were thick as thieves with anything to do with the couple. 

“Sirs, is there anything else we can show you?” The sales girl who’d helped Youngbae said, approaching with a half bow. 

Seungri nodded and indicated the pieces he’d already picked out. He and Youngbae stood at the counter arguing over who would be paying when finally Youngbae claimed seniority and placed his card on the counter. “Buy me dinner and alcohol,” he said to appease Seungri. Seungri rolled his eyes and settled for accepting the bags with their purchases. 

 

Back on the street they wandered aimlessly, taking turns as they came. They found themselves, hours later  in a large open air market, older women shouting over one another hawking their wares, children scuttling around underfoot, teenagers working moving goods or carrying packages glumly behind their mothers. 

Seungri pulled Youngbae over to a food stand. “Hyung we’ve been walking for hours,” he whined. “Please, please let me eat.” 

“Alright alright,” Youngbae said. “Ma’am how much for the dumplings?”

“Youngbae, why the hell are you asking for prices?” Seungri asked in outrage. He grabbed at the dumplings in question. “Just. Get. The.” He shoved a dumpling into his mouth and Youngbae’s simultaneously. “Dumplings.” Youngbae rolled his eyes and used slender fingers to clean the grease on his lips, chewing at the dumpling. Seungri rolled his eyes back and managed to order more dumplings through mumbling and sign language. 

Seungri trotted to the next food stand, dumplings cradled in one hand, purchases in another, and haggled for potatoes and squid. He loaded Youngbae with those before yelling, “crepes!” and charging off for more.

“Ya!” Youngbae shouted. “How much are you going to eat?”

“Hyung, I’m a growing boy!”

“Seungri you are 23.” Seungri glared at Youngbae. Youngbae burst into laughter. “Ugh, fine,” Youngbae capitulated, “go get your damn crepes.” Seungri’s face lit up and he scampered into the crowd in search of crepes. 

Crepes found and purchased, they leaned against the first available wall and dug into Seungri’s haul. 

“Oh, hyung, these are soo good,” Seungri said, rolling his eyes in bliss at the crepes. 

“Maknae, don’t talk with your mouth open.”

He gave Youngbae a flat look, chewed and opened his mouth wide. 

“Ya, Seungri,” Youngbae shouted, shoving him with a shoulder, “don’t be gross.” Seungri swallowed and gave Youngbae his best impish grin. Youngbae rolled his eyes. 

“You know you keep doing that,” Seungri said around another mouthful of food, “your face is going to wind up frozen that way.”

Youngbae rolled his eyes again and they giggled. 

They ate, pushing at each other and getting a good amount of food on the ground, which Seungri loudly and dramatically bemoaned. “Why are you such a pain, Maknae?” Youngbae asked, eyes twinkling. He looked into Youngbae’s eyes and he should have laughed, should have shrugged it off but his breath caught instead. The second flitting between them paused, stretched. For a moment their eyes held one another and the busy market seemed to flow around them in a muddy haze. 

Seungri gasped in a breath and tore his eyes away, pushing against the wall. “Come on,” he said, voice tight, “let’s see what else we can find.”

Youngbae grunted and fell into step with him. 

They turned a corner and stood right in front of a large warehouse. 

“Seungri,” Youngbae said, voice tentative, “my Korean is rough but - does that say -”

“Furniture warehouse,” Seungri whispered. It was like looking at Christmas morning. He looked at Youngbae, who was grinning just as wide. 

They charged into the store. 

“It has to be terrible,” Youngbae said.

“The worst,” Seungri agreed. “The worst one we can find. The absolute ugliest chair in this whole store.”

“He’s going to love it, the demented madman.”

“Young sirs,” a man said, coming over to them, “can I interest you in our newest arrivals?”

Seungri and Youngbae attempted to compose themselves. “Um - we’re -” Seungri’s voice cracked with strain and he bent over with laughter. 

Youngbae was mildly more successful. “We are looking for something for a friend with - interesting taste -” Seungri whined and heaved. “We’ll just wander around if you don’t mind.”

The man bowed. “Just let me know if I can help in any way, young sirs.”

Youngbae pulled at Seungri, tripping and almost falling over him as they laughed into one another, half running towards the back of the store. 

“Ya-” Seungri gasped. “Yah, stop, stop,  _ stop _ .” He pulled up and straightened his face. Youngbae did the same. 

“Ok, mission,” Youngbae said and Seungri stood at attention, “find the ugliest damn chair we possibly can and have it shipped anonymously to Top-hyung.” Seungri contained his giggles and nodded. 

“Sir, yes, sir,” he said. 

The roamed over every square inch of the store, laughing and poking at one another.

“Yah, go sit in that one,” Youngbae said and Seungri hopped over a footstool to land in an overwrought monstrosity. He arranged himself and gave his most haughty stare, looking down at his nose at Youngbae, who’d pulled out his phone to snap a photo. 

“Excellent,” Youngbae said in mock solemnity.

“You, that one,” Seungri said, pointing at something teal and overstuffed. Youngbae sauntered over and threw himself into it for Seungri to photograph. 

They traded off photographing one another in each ridiculous monstrosity they could find. 

Seungri stretched himself over a chaise lounge, propping a hand on a jutting hip. “Photograph me like one of your French girls,” he drawled at Youngbae.

“Yah, that’s not the line,” Youngbae said.

“Whatever,” Seungri said, fluffing non-existent locks of hair and rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

“You’re such an idiot,” Youngbae said. Seungri smirked for the photo.

They were nearly to the front of the store again when the found  _ it _ . It was purple where it wasn’t pink. It was fluffy. It was shapeless.

“It’s perfect,” they breathed in unison. 

 

Seungri had run to find the man from earlier. Youngbae settled himself into the chair, and brought out his phone for a selfie. He had to puff strands of  _ whatever _ out of his face and avoid grimacing as it tickled his ear but.  _ Snap _ , perfect. He looked at the picture. He looked at it and he looked happy, at ease. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had so much fun. 

“This one,” Seungri said proudly, coming around with the man.

“This, good sir?” The man said. “Young sir has good taste, this has just come out from a top designer, TOP designer.”

“Sure, sure, look we need it packaged and shipped to Seoul.”

“Seoul!” The man exclaimed. “I’m afraid, sir, that I can’t do that.” The mad levity that had lit Seungri’s face all afternoon dimmed.

“We will pay any price,” Youngbae said. “Any price.” Seungri perked right back up, grinning from ear to ear at Youngbae. 

“Sir?”

“Whatever it takes, we need it shipped to this address in Seoul.” Youngbae stood and flicked through his phone to bring up Seunghyun’s address. 

 

Out of the store, Youngbae watched Seungri literally hop down the narrow street between market stalls. “Hyung, that chair is the most terrible thing I’ve ever seen. It was so perfect.” Youngbae nodded in agreement. 

Seungri spun to walk backwards just ahead of Youngbae, words tripping over themselves as he listed the chair’s flaws. Seungri’s words faded to a buzz, however, as Youngbae watched a man pushing a large, overburdened cart come barrelling down the street right behind Seungri. He surged forward, smoothly wrapping an arm around Seungri’s waist and spinning them aside for the cart to pass.

“Hyung wha-” Seungri's arm came up to wrap around Youngbae’s shoulders and he watched the cart speed past where he’d been standing. 

“Watch out, Mankae,” Youngbae said, pulling Seungri back into the street.

Seungri’s fist tightened on the jacket over Youngbae’s shoulder. “Hyung, thank you.”

Youngbae spread his hand open along Seungri’s side. “Of course, I have to look out for my Maknae,” he said. Seungri grinned down at him and they kept walking. Seungri picked up the conversation right where he’d left off Youngbae vaguely sensed that something was off but he pushed it out of his mind as they walked arm in arm back up the way they’d come. 

 

Darkness came early and the sun was almost completely gone by the time they found themselves back on the street of their hotel. 

“Look,” Youngbae said, “what if instead of going out we just pick up some soju at the corner store and order in room service. We can watch whatever terrible bit of variety show is on tv and eat too much.”

“Perfect,” said Seungri, pulling him by the shoulders to the crosswalk to the corner store. 

Youngbae slipped his arm out from under Seungri to open the door for them. They debated as they wandered the aisles before finally settling on the same Soju they always drank. Seungri, holding Youngbae to his word, paid. 

“Yours or mine?” Seungri asked as they waited for the elevator. 

“Mine,” Youngbae said. Seungri nodded. Once in the room they kicked off their shoes and ordered the whole left side of the room service menu. They sprawled over Youngbae’s bed, looking up at the ceiling and falling into nostalgia. They began swapping stories of their first days.

“Remember when Daesung was drunk and poured you lotion to drink?” Youngbae said.

“He wasn’t drunk,” Seungri said, “he was just being stupid.”

“No, he was drunk.”

“You weren’t even there!”

“Whatever, he was drunk.”

“Just because you’re the hyung doesn’t mean you are right, hyung.”

“Maknae that is exactly what it means.”

“God,” Seungri said and he kicked at Youngbae. There was a knock at the door.

“Maknae go get the food.” Seungri made a face. “And tip the waiter.” Seungri made another face. “And smile.” Seungri stalked to answer the door. 

He returned with an overladen food cart and the two set to devouring every bit of it and drinking as much of the soju as possible.

 

“Ooof,” Youngbae groaned, falling back onto the headboard. “I really shouldn’t have eaten that much.”

Seungri grinned and crawled to lean back next to him. They stared at the black television. 

“Is the room spinning?” Youngbae asked.

“Hyung, you’re drunk.”

“No I’m not.”

“Is the room spinning, hyung?”

“That’s what I’m asking, maknae.”

“You’re slurring.”

“No, you’re slurring,” Youngbae said, “I’m not, I’m not drunk.”

“Yes, hyung, you are.”

“I think the television is spinning.”

He heard Seungri sigh. They stared at the television for a while longer. 

“Nari broke up with me,” Youngbae said. He felt Seungri turn to look at him. “She’s done it before. It’s always something. I ignored her, I'm too clingy, I disrespected her friends, her dog, I don't even know. She says she loves me, then-

‘Maybe it was the comeback. It was awkward, filming with Hyorin. I should have changed the actress. I knew filming with an ex was a bad idea. But it had been scheduled forever, and I didn’t think she’d accept the offer.

‘That's my problem. I never think. That's what she says at least. But I feel like I am always thinking. But it is never the right things. I always make her mad. She's convinced I am still in love with ‘Run, convinced I'm cheating. 

‘I would  _ never _ cheat. But she can have all the guy friends she wants. They're just friends,” he finished bitterly. 

Seungri’s eyes burned into him. A hand settled on his thigh and he felt the barest touch of fingers on his cheek. 

“Don’t cry, hyung,” Seungri whispered.

“I’m not crying, Ri.” Youngbae’s breathing was all wrong. “I don’t know what to do. I care about her. We were happy. I don’t know what I keep doing wrong.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Then why does she keep leaving?”

“I don’t know, hyung.” The fingers were back, wiping at his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, Seungri,” Youngbae’s mind was a muddled mess. “That night - I shouldn’t have - I should have-”

The fingers on his cheek froze and Youngbae reached up to grab them. He looked at Seungri, really looked at him. His eyes were large, dark, he felt like he was falling. He was flushed and his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and he fell forward, pressing his mouth against Seungri. 

He reached down to palm at his cock and the alcohol had done its work. He was hard, aching hard. “I’m sorry, Seungri,” he said. He pressed against his cock, trying to make it stop trying to - 

A hand cupped him, a hand not his. 

“Shhh, hyung,” Seungri whispered.

“Please,” Youngbae begged. He didn’t know what he was begging for he just knew he needed touch. Vague memories from the night before began to come back. “You’re so beautiful, Ri,” Youngbae said, lips moving against the skin of Seungri’s neck. “Were you always this way?”

“Hyung, you’re drunk,” Seungri whispered.

“So are you,” Youngbae accused.

“So am I,” Seungri repeated. The hand on his cock tightened and Youngbae groaned. 

“Please, Seungri,” he begged and Seungri began to move down his body. “Please,” he chanted.

Hands, fingers, lips, sensations overwhelmed him and he was engulfed in warmth, heat. God there was heat, surrounding every inch of him. “Feels so good,” he groaned and he looked down to see Seungri’s mouth stretched around his cock, hand holding its base. He ran fingers through Seungri’s hair and screwed his eyes shut. 

“Yes, please, please more,” Youngbae panted. He needed - something - he didn’t know what he needed. He felt empty, there was a gaping ache in him and everything hurt, everything but what Seungri touched. In his mind he could see last night. He could see Seungri sprawled on this very bed, the look on his face  as he came. He felt his cock pulse and there was a constriction around his head. Swallowing. 

He looked down as Seungri gently tucked his cock back into his underwear. 

“Seungri, I’m sorry,” Youngbae said.

“Shhh, hyung,” Seungri said, he swayed as he tried to kneel on the bed and move up to Youngbae, “don’t be sorry.” Seungri fell and his eyes glazed over.

Youngbae pulled him up into his arms. “Just -” Seungri slotted right along Youngbae’s body and the room stopped spinning. “Just hold me,” Youngbae whispered into his hair. Arms wrapped around his waist and held him tight. His vision blacked out. He probably wouldn’t remember this tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: [This](http://darkknight29swseller.ecrater.co.uk/p/17515444/mens-2-ct-starburst-round-multi)is what I had in mind for the ring Seungri picked out but white instead of gold. As always comments/ thoughts welcome!


	5. A Little Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self protection, self deception and more idiocy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (a/n: another late chapter, OT is killin me. Hopefully it isn't in too rough shape, and hopefully none of my lovely subscribers throttle me for this. I'm so sorry. It's not me, it's them. Again, thank you to all those who sub/ comment/ upvote. It means the world to me. My beta is enjoying her birthday and I'm impatient so if you catch anything majorly wrong, please tell me.)

Seungri woke with Youngbae curled into his side. He didn’t move. He didn’t want to wake Youngbae-hyung. He wanted to think, to process. There was no avoiding it now, he was well and fully caught but he refused to let last night fool him. Men would let anything blow them, eyes were easy to close and a warm mouth was a warm mouth to the desperate. 

He didn’t know how long this would last but he was certain it would end in heartbreak for him. He was used to that. As much as he loved girls, and he did and had, it was almost always men that brought him feelings with any depth. Despite years of playing around, he’d never seemed to be able to fall for one who actually liked men, too, much less him. Maybe it was self-sabotage. He couldn’t bring himself to introspect that deep. It was enough that he fell in love and it never worked out. This would be no different. He’d just managed to fall for a straight bandmate this time.

He remember the way Youngbae had shuddered when he cried. He slid an arm under Youngbae’s shoulder and pulled him in tight to really  _ feel _ him. He was petite but more than that, he was tiny. He made Seungri feel large, protective. He wanted to just hold and shelter Youngbae.  He let his heart swell with longing as he felt the curve of muscled shoulder and bicep, the lean leg hooked over his. 

In the blue-tinged haze of early morning glowing from the hotel room window he let himself really  _ look  _ at his hyung. Desire began to spike and Seungri let it. He didn’t know when he’d have this chance again, and the remains of too much alcohol and the unreality of dawn gave their permission, so he looked. 

A perfect line furrowed across Youngbae’s brow though the rest of his face was smooth and clear, brows perfectly kept over a faint dusting of thin lashes. Years of celebrity and a whole staff were dedicated to making him beautiful and he was. But Seungri couldn’t stop looking at the furrow in his brow, stop wanting to kiss it smooth and chase whatever dream-worry away. 

There was a faint dusting of a shadow on Youngbae’s chin, framing red lips. Seungri’s tongue traced over his own mouth as he remembered the feel of Youngbae’s lips on his, a sloppy, desperate kiss with no skill or finesse. It actually may have ranked near the bottom of the list as far as his kisses went. And yet his lips felt warm at the memory. 

He remembered the way tears had looked streaking down the line of Youngbae’s cheek. He really did love Nari. Really did. That had been real pain last night. So he’d do what he always did, he’d make his hyung happy and he’d party and enjoy himself.

He let himself squeeze Youngbae tight just once before wrenching himself, in body and heart, away. He put all his feelings in a bottle, familiar from too-much use, and rolled to the other side of the bed. 

* * *

 

Youngbae’s head was trying to murder him. He felt a thousand pounding shocks and he tried to stop them with a pillow. He must have been really drunk last night. 

_ Shower, _ his brain supplied, and he hazarded picking up his head to survey the room. Seungri was showering.  _ That _ was what was playing hell with his headache. He groaned and tried to burrow deeper into the bed, praying that Seungri would be quick. 

There was an echoing crash that reverberated through the restroom. "Oh man, fuck.” Seungri's shouts were needles stabbing into Youngbae's skull. He groaned and writhed on the bed. There was another loud clatter and Youngbae charged off the bed ready to berate Seungri.

He made it as far as the wall across from the restroom before his mind- and stomach- caught up. He slumped against the wall and sank to the ground. He had drunk a lot the night before but not so much that its memory wasn't crystal clear in his mind. Seungri, above him on the bed, and him hard in his pants. His stomach clenched uncomfortably and he curled around it. He remembered Seungri taking him into his mouth. He remembered liking it.

“Nooo, no,” he groaned, burying his head in his hands. That had happened, had actually happened. He felt sick, and aroused and ashamed, and a flush of panic as he heard the shower shut off. He had to get out. He scrambled to his feet in a rush to find pants and shoes.

“Oh, hyung, you’re up.” Seungri emerged from a puff of steam, skin pink and damp, towel slung low around his hips. 

“Uh-” Youngbae’s mind shut down.

Seungri froze and took in Youngbae. He smirked but his eyes were soft, affectionate. “Hyung, you remember?”

“Um,” Youngbae tried.

Seungri chuckled. “Don’t worry about it hyung. It was just - a thing - didn’t mean anything.”

“I’m-” Youngbae cursed himself. He couldn’t process a thought clearly. 

“Hyung,” Seungri said, turning to look himself in the mirror in front of the restroom door, “it’s ok, I know you’re straight. I was just helping a bro out.” Seungri ran a hand through wet hair, mussing it up. 

“Bro?”

“Yeah, just,” Seungri shrugged, “a blowjob between friends. You were horny, I was here. It happens sometimes.” He looked over his shoulder at Youngbae. “Don’t make it weird, hyung.”

Youngbae closed his dropped jaw and nodded. 

“You gonna shower? Our plane leaves in 3 hours.” Seungri strode past him to get his clothes from last night. He paused, looking at Youngbae, towel held up in one hand, pants in another. “Youngbae-hyung?”

“Oh, right, yeah, I’ll shower,” Youngbae said, rushing into the restroom and shutting the door. He sank onto the edge of the shower, barely registering the water seeping into the seat of his boxers. Last night had been just a blowjob between friends? That was a thing people did? He’d known, objectively, that Seungri dated guys occasionally. He remembered Jiyong giggling at their maknae and bragging about showing him what was what, years ago, shortly after they debuted. And he’d seen Seungri occasionally go home from a club with a guy. Part of him wondered if Seungri didn’t like  _ him _ . 

“Ya-” Seungri shouted from the other side of the bathroom door. “I’m going to my room to change and pack up. See you in the lobby in half an hour?”

“Uh, yeah, Ri,” Youngbae managed. 

He sat and listened as the door to his hotel room clicked shut before he turned on the tap. Seungri seemed so - fine - with all of this. He knew Seungri had never dated anyone long term, he wondered if Seungri had ever even been in love. For him sex and love seemed to be all tied up in one. Maybe that was his problem with Nari. He grimaced as he stepped into the shower.

If it was just a casual thing, then everything was ok. It just happened the once. Well, except the time a couple weeks ago, but maybe that was just another ‘between friends’ deal. Seungri had been in need and Youngbae had just helped him out. That’s all this was. Just friends helping each other. He relaxed as he accepted this interpretation of events. 

_ But is it going to happen again? _

He shook his head under the spray, trying to rattle the thought out of his head. 

 

He and Seungri settled into their plush armchairs for the short flight back to Incheon. There was a buzz from his phone and he fished it out to see a picture of himself, seated in one of the chairs from the day before. He heard a giggle and looked to the seat behind him. Seungri was trying, in vain, to hide his hyena laugh behind a fist. 

“Ya, keep it down back there,” he texted in reply to Seungri’s picture.

“Whatever hyung,” Seungri replied.

Three little dots danced at the bottom of the chat window and Youngbae waited.

“Hey, thanks for letting me hang out yesterday,” Seungri said.

“Yeah, no problem.”

“About what you said - I know things are hard with a break up and all but it isn’t good to mope around alone. If you ever want to come out with me, you’re always welcome.”

Youngbae started to respond then stopped, unsure what to say.  The little dots danced again. 

“I don’t want to overstep. I know I don’t know everything but…”

“But,” Youngbae texted back.

He stared at the little dots for what felt like an eternity. 

“Look, I know you love her but maybe she’s not right for you. It shouldn’t be that hard to just be with someone you love. Maybe-” There was a pause and Youngbae chewed the inside of his lip while he waited. “Maybe you should get out. Come out with me. We can meet people. Maybe it’ll make her jealous to see what she’s missing out on or maybe you’ll find another girl.”

“Maknae,” Youngbae sent, apprehension fluttering in his chest as he thought of trying to meet someone new. “I don’t do casual hookups. I’m not you.”

“No, I know.”

“I've dated plenty. Nari, Hyorin.”

“No, I know...”

“Don’t you think it’s better with someone you love?”

There was a pause. Youngbae stared out the window, watched the clouds drift by. He felt confused. His phone buzzed but he took his time opening it to read Seungri’s message.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe it’s better but sometimes it’s good to just have fun, you know, and maybe you find someone elsr that you could love.” As he read a new text popped up. “I don’t know what’s best just - don’t pull a Top hyung and disappear for months. Even if you don’t hook up maybe we could just hang. Drink beers and watch movies or play games or something.”

Youngbae started several replies but deleted each one in turn. 

“Ji has Kiko and once the tour is done he’s going to disappear into the studio, you know. Top and Dae are in their old little world. I just-” There was a pause. “I just don’t want you to be alone, it isn’t good to be alone after a breakup. I just want you to know you’re always welcome with me.”

“Thanks, Ri,” Youngbae replied.

“And- about last night - don’t get too hung up on it. I know this shit is meaningful to you but it isn’t to me so… it’s ok if it’s just a casual thing.”

Youngbae had no idea how to reply. 

“I’m gonna catch a quick nap before we land,” Seungri sent, and a wave of relief washed over Youngbae. 

His brain was a muddled mess the rest of the flight. He tried but was unsuccessful at sleeping. He was grateful that he didn’t have to share a van home with Seungri. 

* * *

 

Seungri took his time when he got home. He wasn’t quite ready to unpack so he left his suitcase by the door and threw himself onto his couch. He humored himself with catching up on a day and a half’s worth of unanswered texts. 

There was a long stream of texts from Jiyong. They started off gently, cajoling and soothing for his sick panda, before turning testy, then irritated, and finally ending in an all caps text informing Seungri that the leader didn’t appreciate being ignored.

He contemplated a snarky message of “New phone, who dis” but decided he preferred living. 

“Hey, sorry, Bae and I spent the day shopping yesterday then drank too much. We’re back. Safe and sound. Feeling better.”

Then he called his mother. 

He played a little of Tower of Saviors on his phone. He was stuck trying to beat Jiyong’s character and gave up after half an hour of frustration. 

He checked his fridge but he wasn’t really hungry. 

He went to his room and stared at the computer on his desk and contemplated a fap and a shower and a nap. 

He sighed and went to get his suitcase. He rolled it into his closet and flicked on the light. He began to unpack, consciously aware of the box sitting on top of his dresser. Once he’d sorted through his clothes and put everything in its place he went to it. He flipped open it’s top to look at the contents. 

It had started when he was 12. He pulled out the stub of rusted nail, let it sit in his hand. He remembered the house he’d first lived in, could trace the large rooms in his mind. They probably weren’t that big, he acknowledged, but at 12 the whole world had seemed bigger. He’d loved that house. He remembered his mother’s barely checked tears as financial ruin had forced them out of their home. He remembered the terror of leaving the only home he’d ever known. He hadn’t known where they were going, he’d just had his father’s terse explanation that it was going to be smaller, not as nice. 

He had sulked by the shed behind their home while his father loaded the last of their belongings into the rented truck. There’d always been a twisted nail just beside the door to the shed. He’d pulled and yanked and just as his mother yelled for him to come out, it had popped out of the wall into his hand. He’d kept it in his pocket, holding it tight as he kept himself from crying alongside his mother while they surveyed the tiny, smelly rooms that would be their new home. He’d held it tight the nights his mother yelled at his drunk father, cursing their misfortune and his failures. 

Then there was the 500 won piece, the last bit of change left of the money he’d had in his pocket when he’d first made his way to Seoul to follow his dreams. There was a pebble, brown and nondescript, but it had been between his feet on the ground the first time Jiyong had kissed him at 16 for ‘educational purposes’. 

His fingers stroked over the ticket stub for  _ The Bourne Ultimatum _ . It had been the movie he’d gone to see with Do Hyun, one of the boys from Il Hwa who’d come to visit the bigshot idol who’d debuted under YG. It was then, when Do Hyun’s fingers had stroked his while the movie played, that he realized what the tingling feeling he always had around Do Hyun must be. They’d kissed behind the theater, Seungri’s fist clamped around the ticket stub in his pocket. It’d been the first time he’d fallen in love. Unfortunately Do Hyun had just been ‘going through a phase’. 

There were more expensive items. The diamond earring Top-hyung had bought him the night he’d gone with his hyungs to get his ears pierced. The key to their first dorm. The manager had smacked him upside the head for being so stupid as to lose it, but he had just not wanted to give it up. He didn’t know what drove it but he always knew when something had to wind up in this box with his other memories. 

He cleared a little spot in the box for the ring that would fit, but never adorn, a finger. It should arrive in a few days. 

His phone rang from the bedroom and he went to pick it up. Youngbae’s name flashed and he answered, “yeah, hyung.”

“Seungri, so,” Youngbae paused and Seungri flopped on his bed to wait, “what are you doing for your birthday?”

“I’m playing a set at a club in Hongdae then getting drunk off my ass,” he replied with a smile at the ceiling. “Want to come?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there.”

* * *

 

Youngbae felt out of place. He had his own friends, which didn’t really overlap with Seungri’s. He didn’t know why he hadn’t opted to go with them. Well, he did. They ran in the same circles as Kiko and, of course, Jiyong, which meant they also ran with Nari, and he wasn’t up to seeing her just yet. So he stood on a balcony, surrounded by Seungri’s hangers-on, looking down as Seungri spun a set for an eager crowd.

He had to admit, Seungri wasn’t bad at all. He’d heard the sets Seungri played at concerts but this was a bit more intense. The crowd was eating it up. He felt a little swell of pride as he saw the shadow of the kid Seungri had been at 15 when they first met, now all grown up, turning 24 and the apple of everyone’s eye. 

 

After the set Seungri went straight for Youngbae. “Hyuuuuung,” he shouted, “you made it!” A casual arm slung itself over Youngbae’s shoulders and pulled him down from the balcony to the bar. Seungri was familiar with the bartender and they flirted shamelessly as she lined up a row of shots. 

Seungri looked at Youngbae with faux sincerity. “Now hyung, we are going to get drunk, completely shit faced, then we are going to dance with,” he paused to look at the girls hovering just behind them. He hooked an arm around two and scooted them up to stand at the bar. “These two,” he said and winked at each girl. They giggled and blushed and the one standing between Youngbae and Seungri shifted to press against Youngbae. 

Seungri lifted a shot and waved for Youngbae to do the same. “It’ll be good for you, hyung, promise.” Seungri tossed back the drink and Youngbae followed suit. They did another, then another, and Youngbae lost track shortly after that, only coming to once on the dance floor with a skinny girl in his arms and Seungri’s hyena laugh echoing in his ears. 

There were more drinks, more dancing. Random people came up to wish Seungri a happy birthday, the boy seemed to be best friends with everyone in the club. 

 

It was nearly 4 am when they stumbled out of the club, a girl on each arm. “Yeah, hyung, good huh?” Seungri asked, listing to one side. Youngbae tried to nod around the girl nuzzling into his neck. 

“Well.” Seungri hiccoughed. “I’m going to go enjoy my birthday present,” he proclaimed, pulling the girls on his arms in tight. “You have a good night, Bae-ya.” Seungri nearly fell over trying to wink at Youngbae, then turned and stumbled to the lines of cabs in front of the club. 

“Call me tomorrow, hyung,” Seungri shouted over a shoulder. Youngbae just stared as his maknae walked away.


	6. A Little Pull

“So, you’ve been hanging out with Ri a lot,” Jiyong said as he twirled one of Youngbae’s baseball caps around his index finger. They sprawled side by side on the couch, music videos playing on the television across from them, beer cans littered around their feet propped up on the coffee table.

“I don’t know about a lot but yeah, some,” Youngbae answered. He was glad most of the cans were Jiyong’s. His best friend being too observant during this conversation would be uncomfortable. 

“You went out all during the tour, and then there was New Year’s where you disappeared together -” Youngbae sat up and began crushing cans with his hands for something to do. “I think you two even spent Valentine's together.”

“I was in Jakarta on Valentine's and have been everywhere else on top of that with my tour.” Youngbae said, giving Jiyong a flat look. 

“I’m just saying you haven’t been hanging with us much when you are here.” 

“Jiyong-ah you have been locked in the studio for almost two months.”

“Yeah but when I am not, or like when the guys text me and you aren’t there-”

“Jiyong, who are you dating?”

Jiyong looked at him without answering. They both knew the answer.

“And who does she hang out with?”

Jiyong blinked.

“You know she talks about you a lot. She knows she was wrong. She misses you.”

Youngbae shook his head and crushed another can. 

“So you're just gonna fuck around with Seungri?”

Youngbae shrugged. “Maybe.”

“After all the shit you gave me about being responsible and settling down and not fucking around and it is all so much more meaningful when it's love and you're gonna just run around with Ri and his friends?”

“Yeah maybe I was full of shit, like you said.” Youngbae stood and stretched. “I feel terrible. I am going to bed.”

He disappeared into his room, stripping as he went.  He crawled into his sheets and tried to figure out why he felt so irritated by Jiyong.

He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He just knew that being around Seungri made him feel a little less lonely. He didn’t care for the nebulous assortment of “friends” that flitted around them when they went out, but Seungri never seemed to give them more than a smattering of attention when they were together, so they were tolerable enough.

The bed shifted and a slender arm snaked around his waist and Jiyong pulled in tight.

"Do what you like, Bae. As long as you are happy.”

Youngbae sighed. "Do you think she really is sorry?”

"Does it matter if she is?”

"Maybe, I don't know?”

"Talk to her.”

"I'll think about it.'’

Jiyong shifted on the bed, rolling on his back and hooking an ankle around Youngbae's, interlocking their feet, a habit formed of years laying together in the dark.

“I guess it is good you're close to Ri now. I think.” There was a pause and a sigh. “I’m struggling Bae. It's never been so much freedom. There was always a net. Teddy, Choice, Yang even. There are so many ideas but-” Jiyong’s toes wiggled and his foot began to bounce. “I don't know. There's  something missing. I asked Yang and he is setting up a dorm. I think I need you guys. In the studio.” He rolled back to press his face into Youngbae. “I'm not a genius you know.”

“I know. You're just you,” Youngbae said and a little swell of maternal affection rose in him. “Tell me about the songs.”

Youngbae listened as Jiyong shared his fear, anxiety. He listened and tried not to remember New Year.

 

Singapore at New Year had been hot and humid, uncomfortably so, for all that it was winter. If it had been up to him, celebrating the coming year by giving a concert at the equator would not have been his first choice, or tenth even. 

Youngbae squirmed at the stickiness of his own skin. He managed to contain himself for the cameras, but just barely. As soon as the director gave the signal and the audience began filing out of the arena he rushed off the stage. He went straight for the private dressing room where he could slough off his pants and shirt and sprawl in a makeup chair to air dry.

A hand rested on his shoulder and he looked up at Seungri. His eyes were sparkling under a shock of black hair. Sweat poured down his face. “We goin out?” he asked.

Youngbae nodded. They had gone out after every concert since Seungri’s birthday. “Course,” he said, sitting up.

“Hurry, get dressed before Jiyong comes and ropes us into schmoozing,” Seungri whispered conspiratorially. “Leader-nim is sweet talking the network mucky mucks.” He pulled a face and Youngbae smiled.

He stood and began digging through his bag of clothes. 

They managed to make it out before Jiyong came back, sharing winks with Daesung and Seunghyun as they snuck out, the pair vowing solemnly not to out them. Seungri had hookups, he always had hookups. He managed to find the newest, hottest club and get them right to the front of the line.

“Chen was saying that the girls here are smoking, Bae,  _ smoking.”  _ Seungri had an arm around Youngbae’s shoulder and he waved to the bouncer as they slid into the noise and flashing lights.

It was comforting in its familiarity: the buzz of intoxication, the heady scent of perfume and cologne, Seungri’s laugh somewhere in the background and a soft, curvaceous body pressed into him. Concert, girl, hotel. It was safe. 

Sure enough, after 2 hours he felt Seungri pulling on him, girl swaying on his arm. The ride back to the hotel was a blur. Youngbae’s room. It was always in Youngbae's room.

Or in this case, suite. They landed on the large sofa, Seungri falling between long, pale legs and hands hiking up a sequined skirt. Youngbae slid alongside a giggling girl leaving sloppy kisses along his cheek and palming his hard cock.

He trailed hands down her body, opening buttons to expose perky breasts, just a bit smaller than his cupped hand. He pinched and twisted at a nipple, swallowing his girl's moans with deep kisses.  Seungri’s girl cried out. 

He slid fingers into panties and along wetness, spreading and parting lips before pressing into warmth. He felt tight muscles contract around his fingers and the girl tipped her head back and closed her eyes.

He tried to focus on pressure and thrust but found all he could do was watch the bob of Seungri’s head between the other girl’s legs. 

There was a warm gush into his hand and a strained cry and the girl in his arms went slack. He pulled his hand out of her panties and let it rest on her thigh as he watched Seungri work.

It didn't take long and the other girl was arching up into his mouth, breasts straining against her bra and thighs wrapping tight around Seungri’s head.

She collapsed back onto the couch and Seungri slowly shifted out from under her legs. He looked up at Youngbae with a bright smile, hair askew and lips glistening. He caught Youngbae’s eye and chuckled, nodding at the girls passed out on Youngbae’s couch.

“We put them out,” Seungri giggled and rolled on the floor over to Youngbae. His eyes here blown wide and there was something manic in his smile. “Come on, hyung, I’ll get you to bed, too.” 

He stood and tugged Youngbae up. They fell into one another and managed to shuffle down a short hall to the bedroom. They didn’t bother with lights but Youngbae did manage to kick the door closed as they fell into the room and stumbled to the bed. 

Seungri fell atop him and he groaned at the delicious friction scalding his cock, still hard and needy. He gripped Seungri and groaned, rolling up into Seungri’s body. “God,” he whispered and he arched his back up into the thrust, savoring the throbbing pulse of his head.

His hands tightened on what he realized were shoulders. His breath caught in his chest as he realized he was pushing Seungri down his body. Lips pressed along the fly of his pants, framing the hard outline of his shaft.

“Yes,” Youngbae groaned. The sound of his zipper was thunderous in the dark. He was exposed and he felt his cock slap against stomach, wetting the scrap of t shirt rucked up his abs. He bunched his fists around the blankets and pressed up against soft lips.

They parted slowly, dragging along the too sensitive skin of his head, locking its rim as flicks descended around him. Seungri’s tongue stroked and enveloped him, terrible suction pulling at his very core. 

He had had blowjobs in the past but nothing like this. There was no suck and bob. Instead, there were long, languorous licks, gentle nuzzling and suckling of his head. Fingers stroked his shaft, his balls, teased at the skin just behind. He cried out and thrust up hard as Seungri applied delicate pressure. He came for what felt like an eternity, Seungri’s throat constricting around him, wringing everything from him.

He fell back, delirious, and felt the bed shift. There was shuffling and a click, then the warm glow of the light behind the bathroom door. The shower began as he tried to catch his breath and straighten out his mind.

 

New Year. That had been the first time anything had happened after playtime with whatever random girls they found. The group touring had ended after Singapore, but Seungri and Youngbae didn’t  break with established patterns. It didn't happen every time, between the two of them. Sometimes his girl would finish him off and they would sleep. But he discovered there was a balance, the right amount of alcohol, enough to make it possible, not so much as they got sick or passed out too early, and he had to focus on the girl. Some of them took a lot of work. 

It was the third or fourth time before Youngbae realized what the rhythmic bursts of water hitting the wall of his shower must be. He was listening for it, in his drunken afterglow after the fifth time: the low, rough grunts he remembered from the first night they’d picked girls up.

He realized he hadn’t heard it since. He realized Seungri only ever pleasured, only ever gave, never received. The realization unsettled him.  _ Just between friends,  _ he told himself.

  
  


True to his word, at beginning of March Jiyong had them all move into a dorm. Thankfully, it was much larger than their first, the benefit of ridiculous success. Youngbae came in, fighting his suitcases just as Seungri stood up from messing with the television.

“Oh, hyung, you're here,” Seungri said around a straw of licorice. “Just got the system hooked up,” he beamed.  “Oh, here let me help-” He grabbed for Youngbae's suitcases and wheeled them back to the bedrooms. “Dae and Seunghyun are in the big room with their own restroom. I think,” he looked at the next room, “yeah, Jiyong set up in here before going back to the studio. I picked this room,” he gestured to the left most of the the last of two doors. So, I guess you are stuck in here,” he opened the last door and shrugged apologetically. 

“Jiyong had the fifth room turned into a makeshift recording room for late nights if he doesn't want to walk over to YG.” Seungri laid the suitcases on the bed and moved to one of the doors off the bedroom. “Check this out, hyung,” Seungri said, “our rooms connect through a bathroom.” 

Sure enough, they did, a large, stylish bathroom with a tub, separate shower and a toilet in an alcove. 

“Nice,” Youngbae said.

“So much better than the first dorm.”

Youngbae snorted in response then began unpacking.

“I ordered food and Dae and Seunghyun will probably be here soon.”

Youngbae set himself to settling in before changing into pajamas and hoodie, early March was freezing still. He grabbed a blanket and made his way out to join Seungri. 

Seungri sprawled on the couch, controller in hand, a steady stream of curses pouring forth as he glared at the screen. Youngbae thought he heard a “fucking Argonians” as he settled in on the couch and helped himself to a slice of pizza.

“Hey,” Seungri said absently, shifting around Youngbae and hooking a leg over his hyung’s. Youngbae ate and watched Seungri hack through a vaguely medieval landscape.

It was almost dark before Daesung and Seunghyun shuffled in, bags in tow. Youngbae fought the urge to nag when they didn't bother to unpack, instead tossing their stuff into their room and snuggling up in an armchair together.

Daesung snagged a slice of pizza but Seunghyun declined. From somewhere he managed to pull a box of cookies and set to devouring them with childish glee. “Hyung, you can't eat cookies for dinner,” Daesung chided from his lap. Daesung’s mouth was promptly stuffed with a cookie and Seunghyun grinned, “watch me.”

Daesung and Youngbae rolled their eyes at one another and the hyungs watched Seungri play while they ate.

“Isn’t this an old game?” Seunghyun asked around a cookie as Seungri blasted a dragon with fireballs.

“Yes, eat your cookies, hyung,” Seungri snarked.

They ate and watched in peace until the couple disappeared into their room. It was dark in the dorm, the television their only illumination. It was late but Youngbae was soothed by the beautiful landscapes of the game and mildly intrigued by the mechanics. He lay on his side, head pillowed on the arm of the couch, legs tucked on Seungri's lap as listened to him explain the lore, and the quests. He laughed as Seungri read aloud from the books he picked up, using strange, silly voices.

He began to doze, relaxed and at ease, lulled by the familiar presence of his band all in the same house, and the warmth of his maknae next to him.

 

Because he knew what to listen for, Youngbae woke aroused and blushing. Seungri was in the shower. He rolled on the bed and tried to bury his head in a pillow but it didn’t work. He sighed and threw back the covers. He escaped to the kitchen and figured he might as well start breakfast. 

He heard the other members waking as he cooked and he enjoyed a surge of nostalgia. It had been so long since they’d all lived under the same roof. Seungri came out first, skin fresh and pink, hair an artfully disheveled mess. He said nothing, merely grinned and moved to take Youngbae’s place chopping the vegetables. Youngbae moved to begin frying leftover rice on the stove. 

He felt a hand on his waist as Seungri moved behind him to drop scraps into the trash before moving back to chopping. Seungri was scooping the rice into bowls and Youngbae was packing up Jiyong’s portion of breakfast when Daesung and Seunghyun stumbled to the table, hand in hand. Seunghyun slumped in a chair as Daesung moved to the counter to get their food.

The four sat and ate quickly before their phones could begin blowing up with commands from their leader to get their asses in the studio. “Just like old times,” Seungri joked around a mouthful of food.

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth, Ri,” Daesung chastised from around a mouthful of food. Seunghyun laughed and the couple shared a look. 

“Gross,” Seungri groaned, looking to Youngbae for commiseration. 

“Ya,” Youngbae said, glaring at Daesung and Seunghyun, “we’re gonna set something straight right now. You-” Youngbae pointed at Daesung, “are doing your wife’s laundry. I refuse.”

“Hey why am I the wife?” Seunghyun asked, outraged.

Youngbae arched a brow and side-eyed Seungri. 

“Harder, Dae, harder harder please right there,” Seungri deadpanned. Daesung had the decency to blush while Seunghyun gave them a toothy grin. 

“You guys might want to remember you’re sharing a house again.” Youngbae tried to look stern. 

“Yeah, probably not happening,” Seunghyun said proudly and Daesung looked at him, aghast. 

Daesung and Seunghyun shuffled off to dress, but Seunghyun couldn't resist a parting shout. “I give as good as I get you know.”

After they disappeared Youngbae nudged at Seungri. “Ten bucks says he proves that to us tonight.”

Seungri grimaced and sighed. “Oh well, we tried, it was worth a shot.” 

Youngbae laughed and stood to gather their dishes. Seungri joined him at the sink, picking up the soapy dishes and rinsing them before setting them on the rack to dry. “They’re gonna be insufferable,” Seungri said, but his tone was affectionate.

“Completely,” Youngbae agreed. 

“It’s nice, though, all of us together.”

“Yeah, it is, huh?”

They washed in comfortable silence before heading back to dress. 

 

Jiyong was in a state when they made it to the studio. He rambled at Seunghyun about raps while Seungri set down Jiyong’s coffee and Youngbae supplied his breakfast. From a back pocket Seungri fished out chopsticks, which he shoved at Jiyong who grabbed them absently. Youngbae took the lid off the rice and pushed it into the leader’s open hand. Satisfied, the two sat side by side on the couch and listened to the exchange between the rapper line. 

“Look why don’t you just play us what you have,” Youngbae interjected. “Play it all beginning to end and we’ll listen to it.”

“No comments, though,” Seungri added, “we will listen and share what we think at the end.”

Youngbae nodded.

“Yeah,” Daesung and Seunghyun agreed. 

Jiyong screwed his face up as he chewed, “kay.” He spun and pushed some buttons on the computer and music began to play. Youngbae settled back into the couch and beside him, Seungri flipped his cap backwards and did the same, hands folding behind his head. 

The music was good. It was different, but it was good, exciting. Youngbae understood Jiyong’s hesitation. It was not really like anything they’d done before. The next couple weeks were a blur of hours spent in the studio with no awareness of the outside world. Breakfast came when they woke up regardless of what the clock said. There were more nights spent on the studio couch cuddled up to whatever member was available than in a bed. Though Daesung and Seunghyun seemed to mostly cuddle with one another and Jiyong never really seemed to sleep. 

There was no more going out. Youngbae wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed and that left him uncomfortable. There were more unsettling mornings waking up to Seungri in the shower but there were also late nights spent unwinding with a drama, or often, watching Seungri play. Daesung and Seunghyun locked themselves in their room and attempted to be quiet while Seungri and Youngbae rolled their eyes and discussed if it was better to put points in destruction or restoration. 

Weeks slipped by and official dates were set, official recordings made, new styles considered. Seungri came into the studio one afternoon, beanie pulled tight over his head. Jiyong teased and teased until he took it off, revealing a shock of white hair. Youngbae choked on his coffee and gaped. Seungri was - stunning. His eyes looked darker, his face softer. Youngbae’s fingers itched to touch it. 

Jiyong whistled and Seunghyun and Daesung cheered and catcalled. “You like it, hyung?” Seungri asked, actually looking a bit shy. Youngbae nodded. 

That night they celebrated finalizing the packaging for the first single and scheduling for filming the tour promotional material. Soju and wine and beer bottles littered the counters, the tables, the floor. Youngbae took care of how much he drank and his eyes seemed to keep meeting Seungri’s. There was something in them, some message he couldn’t understand. 

Jiyong passed out in his room. Daesung and Seunghyun kissed each other into their bedroom. Seungri and Youngbae were left alone, side by side, in the half-dark living room. They could hear the other two in their room, but there were no jokes. The groans did terrible things to Youngbae’s blood. Seunghyun’s deep growls sent a flush up his cheeks.

“They really need to learn to be quiet,” Seungri said. Youngbae’s breath caught at the rough edge to his voice. He was dizzy, he tried to shake his head. 

“I’m-” Youngbae stood. “I’m going to bed.” He felt stiff and awkward. He swayed dangerously, blood pooling in his groin. Seungri was there, sliding an arm around him, holding him up but swaying along with him.

Seungri half carried, half walked him down the hall. He gripped the sleeve of Seungri’s shirt tight and pulled him down as he fell into bed. It was like every time before, the alcohol, the arousal pulsing under his skin, but there had been no girls. No, there had been Seunghyun and Daesung. 

Seungri lay half atop him in the dark. He couldn’t breathe. He tightened his fingers on Seungri’s shoulder, a question, a request, a signal.

Seungri began to move down and he gasped. It had been several weeks. He’d missed - 

The familiar tongue stroked him and he bit his lip to keep from groaning. His breathing was rough and he kept his hands on Seungri, fingers threading through white hair he couldn’t see. Lips and tongue did their work and the memory of Seungri’s face under a white fringe burned behind his eyes. His stomach churned but a final suck pulled him over the edge. 

He spoke before Seungri could leave. “You could do it here.” 

There was a heaviness to the darkness, he could just make out the dim traces of light from outside catching in Seungri’s hair. “You- you don’t have to go to the shower.” He reached out for Seungri and pulled him down to the bed. He rolled onto his side and he felt Seungri shift. 

The bed began to rock as Seungri stroked himself. Youngbae couldn’t see anything, he could just hear. Seungri’s whines were short and broken. He was holding himself back. There was the slick, wet sound of skin sliding against skin. This was familiar, so familiar, almost like that first time. 

He placed a hand on the warm skin of Seungri’s stomach and he felt Seungri almost curve into him for a moment before he pushed back into the bed, just a fraction. He splayed fingers over Seungri’s abs and felt - helpless. 

Seungri’s breath caught and he felt the arm next to him jerk. Seungri’s body spasmed. He expected to be hit with come but there was none. 

“Good,” Seungri whispered, “I didn’t make a mess.” He rolled off the bed. 

“What?” Youngbae was confused.

“If you press just the right spot,” Seungri said, panting, “you finish without the mess.”

Youngbae had never heard anything so ridiculous. That couldn’t be satisfying. “Goodnight, Hyung,” Seungri whispered, and he disappeared into their connecting bathroom. Youngbae felt uncomfortable in his own skin, unsatisfied, and - disappointed. He sank into the bed and let the darkness and the alcohol take those feelings away from him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: as always thanks to all who've been following and commenting. In particular, thanks to TOPcorn for support and encouragment and reassuring me that this chapter isn't absolute crap. Also, this chapter has an homage to her fic [ Dragonbored ](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/959619/dragonbored-topri-seungwhores-skyrim) because it may just be my favorite thing ever.


	7. And then the Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am managing to post this chapter on time, if in a bit of rough shape. I was torn on even updating and I apologize in advance for doing this to you all before Christmas. I promise it will get better.... eventually.
> 
> Warning: Drug Use

At some point it needed to stop, Seungri told himself dozens of times a day. Yet each day he let himself fall further and further in. Living together was worse than the going out. In the dark, with Youngbae curled into him on the couch and the television on, he could imagine this was what it was like to have a boyfriend, to share quiet, intimate moments with the person who loved you.

It was ripping his heart to shreds and he craved it, ached for more

Last night - he tried not to think about last night but he could close his eyes in a moment and feel Youngbae's presence beside him on that bed,  _ his _ bed. Why had he stayed? He didn't need to indulge Youngbae's pity.    
  
Whatever lines they danced around, the hadn't been breached too badly, however. Youngbae had smiled his same half-smile when Seungri made it to the studio before turning to greet Seunghyun-hyung who’d came in just behind him with bags of wine and snacks.   
  
They sat sprawled in chairs or nestled into couches, cheese and fruit scattered on the central coffee table, wine glasses filled or emptied in varying degrees held in five hands. Youngbae was next to him on the couch, but a section separated them.    
  
The whole album, what of it had been recorded so far, played over the speaker and they looked at one another, taking it in. As the last song faded, Seungri spoke. "It's good."   
  
Seunghyun stirred in his chair, fingers running through Daesung's hair as it fanned over a couch arm. "It  _ is  _ good," he agreed, "they'll love it or hate it."   
  
"But it's us," Seungri said, looking beside him.   
  
"It is." Jiyong's voice was quiet, firm.    
  
Daesung began to laugh, low and infectious. Seunghyun and Jiyong followed and Seungri felt a chuckle of his own bubbling up. They all laughed with joy and the tracks began playing through again, Bang Bang Bang first.    
  
Youngbae popped up and spun as his own voice started the first verse. They clapped and cheered as he danced and sang through his part. Seunghyun  came in, standing to hip-swivel awkwardly through his rap.    
  
"Ya, sit down you'll throw out your hip, old man," Jiyong jeered, voice slurring only a little bit. Seunghyun ignored him and tugged Daesung up into a slow-dance. "How do you slow dance to this shit?" Jiyong screeched, a little hysterical as Seungri began singing through his part.   
  
They cycled through, Daesung singing his part as a serenade into Seunghyun's eyes while the other three collapsed atop one another in giggles.    
  
Seungri tried to control his breath as Youngbae's fingers slipped accidentally along the hem of the shirt as they bounced up and down, arm in arm, shouting the final lines at one another. Jiyong fell back onto a couch, eyes squeezed shut and Daesung and Seunghyun turned into one another as "If You" began.    
  
Seunghyun's voice echoed in the room and the lovebirds touched foreheads, swaying to the lilting guitar. Seungri's voice came in and Youngbae's eyes met his and he whispered, "you sound really good, maknae."   
  
A giddiness fluttered in his chest. The butterflies that seemed to live clustered on his heart took flight, as they always did when Youngbae looked at him like that. He blushed and hoped it could pass for an inebriated flush. "Thank you, hyung," he whispered as Jiyong's nasal rasp began the chorus.

  
  


They had been dance battling for a good half hour, mostly as a means to stave off boredom while the other three worked on their parts of the MV. They’d found a neglected corner of Seunghyun’s warehouse, the film crew and staff taking up the rest of the building. Seungri pirouetted and sent out a little kick before dropping into a hip thrust, Youngbae laughing as he sang through Fantastic Baby, toe tapping a ghost of a beat. 

“The old man could never do that last bit,” Youngbae wheezed as Seungri added a little flourish and posed. 

“I know right.” Seungri’s eyes danced conspiratorially and he broke into the last half of “Let's Talk about Love”. Youngbae spun and broke into his rap while Seungri beatboxed. They sang together and Seungri moved into the chorus, pointing fingers to Youngbae who began mimicking every bit of the moves Seungri had just run through. Seungri kept the beat going, trying to memorize as the choreography grew, Youngbae adding to it. 

“Yah, that’s too much!” He shouted as Youngbae kept going.

“Gotta keep you on your toes, maknae-ya,” Youngbae teased, then moving to lean against a wall. He clapped and began singing Tonight. Seungri slid to their dance floor and began. He made it to halfway through Youngbae’s additions before feeling a flutter of panic at forgetting. 

“Oh!” Youngbae started to point but the moves flowed easily and Seungri grinned at Youngbae in triumph, adding a series of a half-dozen spins before bowing a finale. His hands gripped at his knees while the world spun. 

“Top that!” Seungri challenged, looking up through his lashes at Youngbae. Seungri was nothing if not competitive.

“Ahhh, you almost lost it there,” Youngbae said. 

“I didn’t!”

“You did.”

“Whatever, quit stalling.” Seungri picked Tonight again and began singing. 

“I’m not stalling,” Youngbae muttered as he nodded to Seungri’s beat for a measure before going through their steps. 

“You were sta-aaa-liiiing,” Seungri sang to the tune. “Staaling, so staaalllinng, cuz Youngbae’s gonna lose. Lose, lose loseloselose.”

“Yah-” Youngbae shouted as he began the final series of spins. Seungri giggled then gasped as Youngbae collapsed with a strangled cry. 

“Bae!” Seungri scrambled to pull him up. He cried out again and squeezed his eyes shut. “Oh, fuck,” Seungri cursed. “Is it your foot?” Youngbae winced and nodded. Seungri slid an arm around his waist and brought Youngbae’s arm up over his shoulders, taking on his full weight. “Shit, shit.”

“Language,” Youngbae grunted. He tried to ease back down onto his leg and whined. 

“Stop, stop,” Seungri said, and he pulled him to lean up against the wall. Seungri sank down to his knees at Youngbae’s feet, fingers going to the ankle he kept loose. It was already beginning to swell. 

“Can I?” He asked, looking up. Youngbae’s eyes were pain-strained but he managed a nod, teeth gnawing at his lower lip. Gingerly, he pulled up Youngbae’s pants, and tugged down at his socks. His heart gave an uncomfortable squeeze as he took in the thickening ankle. He attempted rotating the foot in his hands and Youngbae’s shout was sharp. “I’m so sorry, Bae,” Seungri said, guilt crashing over him in a wave.

Youngbae shook his head. “Not your fault, Ri.” He teetered and Seungri moved to stand, arms holding him. “I need to sit down.” Seungri nodded and half-carried Youngbae as they hobbled back to where everyone else was still filming.

“What the fuck?!” Jiyong snapped as he spotted them. “What did you do?”

“Accident,” Youngbae explained, sinking into a chair. Jiyong glared at Seungri. 

“What did you do, Ri?”

Abashed, Seungri looked at his feet. “We were playing Ji-hyung.” The smack to the back of his head was hard. 

“Idiot,” Jiyong snarled.

“Yah, calm down, Ji,” Youngbae snapped. “It was an accident.”

“I’m sorry,” Seungri said.

“It wasn’t your fault, Seungri.” Youngbae said. “It was an ACCIDENT, Jiyong.”

“We have a concert at the end of the month!” Jiyong chastised.

“I know,” Seungri whispered.

“And you just put our dancer out of commission!” Jiyong continued.

“Jiyong, back off,” Youngbae said. “I need to see a doctor.” 

Jiyong continued fuming and Seungri mumbled about going to find ice. He returned to Youngbae with chilled water bottles, Jiyong nowhere in sight. “Here,” he said, kneeling and holding the bottles to either side of Youngbae’s foot. 

“Stop moping, Ri, it was an accident.” Seungri looked up. Youngbae’s eyes were soft. His fingers twitched on the arm of his chair. “Yeah, I’m gonna be fine. Jiyong went to call a car so I can see a doctor.”

“I’ll go with you,” Seungri said.

Youngbae smiled. “Ok.”

When the car arrived Seungri lifted Youngbae easily and carried him out. “You should eat more, hyung,” Seungri chided. Youngbae rolled his eyes. Seungri insisted on holding Youngbae’s legs in the car so he could keep the bottles on the swelling. 

“So I guess you won,” Youngbae said as they pulled into the clinic. 

“Really, hyung?” Exasperation warred with outrage before Seungri settled on just laughing. 

Youngbae just smiled. “There we go.”

It was just a mild sprain, the doctors said. It wouldn't put him out too much, they promised. Still, Seungri made a point to ensure that Youngbae would want for nothing while being forced to ‘rest’. He fetched, and carried. He was there with an arm as Youngbae managed a few steps in and out of cars, to and from bed. His guilt demanded nothing less.

Luckily they only had a few days left in America, the bulk of filming done. 

“Seungri,” Jiyong said, the first night night they were back in their dorm. 

Seungri didn’t respond, just looked at Jiyong. 

“I’m sorry,” Jiyong said. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you when Bae got hurt.”

“It’s ok, hyung,” Seungri said. “We shouldn’t have been screwing around.”

“You’ve really been taking care of him,” Jiyong mused, eyes a little too shrewd as he looked over Seungri.

“I put in the little series of spins that tripped him,” Seungri explained, feeling uncomfortably like he was being weighed and measured.

“Well, it looks like he’ll be up and around in a week or so.”

Seungri nodded and escaped to his room.

 

Seungri was apprehensive as they began preparing for their comeback concert but, sure enough, Youngbae healed up just fine. Relief was a palpable thing surging through Seungri after the first night of their comeback concert. The night of the second concert he’d caught Youngbae’s eye in the mirror after the show and they’d nodded at each other knowingly. 

It had been over a month since they last played their game. That night Youngbae’s groans had flayed Seungri’s heart. He knew he couldn’t do this many more times.

 

He’d forgotten what a full comeback schedule felt like. Days blended into weeks of variety appearances, performances, the late nights when they crawled into bed to sleep an hour before rolling out to do it again. He suspected he may be feeling his age because he didn't remember it being this difficult at 16.

Today was going to be special, though. He managed to scramble into casual clothes and charged out of his apartment, bare faced and eager. Riding the train, alone, was a treat though he did feel a twinge of disappointment that he wasn’t recognized by many. Photos popped up in the group’s chat of Jiyong and Youngbae and Seunghyun surrounded by squealing fans. He replied with a few duck faced shots of his own before turning to meet up with Jiyong for the final leg of their train ride to the airport before flying to Jeju to film their next mv. 

Cameras in hand, the five of them filmed what Seungri considered his perfect day. For all the pleasures of celebrity, the moments he treasured were the ones when it was just the five of them playing  like the little boys they still secretly believed themselves to be. 

 

It was late and they’d all drunk a little too much. The cameras were put away and Daesung and Seunghyun had crawled into the large upstairs bedroom. Jiyong had squirreled himself away in a back bathroom to drunk call Kiko, so it was just Seungri and Youngbae on the couch side by side, knees occasionally knocking into one another as they passed a bottle back and forth.

“I love it when it’s like this,” Seungri confided. Youngbae glanced at him. “Just us five,” he explained, “in a random, beautiful place, relaxed -,” he bumped a knee against Youngbae’s thigh, “a little drunk.”

“Yeah,” Youngbae said, eyes fluttering up to meet Seungri’s, “yeah, I like it too.” Slender fingers reached for the bottle Seungri held propped on his thigh and he watched Youngbae take a drink, fascinated by the lines of his neck as he swallowed. He broke off to stare at the view out of the large picture windows. 

“This is everything to me,” Seungri whispered, half to himself.

“This?”

“Big Bang. You all. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, making music, performing but then it had to be with you, us. With all of us, together it’s different, better.”

“It is,” Youngbae agreed, delicate hand passing back the bottle. Seungri drank.

“Sometimes I dream that it didn’t happen. That I never made it back in, or we fell apart.” He fell silent and in the half-dark of the large room he could feel his fears press in, of failure and solitude. “It’s got to be all of us.”

Youngbae nodded and grunted in agreement. A knee knocked into his thigh. “You think we’re going somewhere, maknae?” Youngbae pressed against him, shoulder to shoulder, their arms pinned between them.

“Sometimes I worry. I used to think it’d be Seunghyun but YG doesn’t push him anymore. Jiyong- Jiyong isn’t going anywhere; or Dae. You-” Seungri took another pull off the bottle. “You’re the one I worry about sometimes,” he said, fingers worrying the bottle label.

“Me?”

“I heard bits of your album, before-”

“The stuff that got cut?” There was a bitter edge to Youngbae’s words that fanned the ever-present worry that simmered in Seungri.

“It was good,” Seungri said. “Different.”

“Too different.”

“You’re not happy.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Seungri.” Their knees tapped, rocked apart, tapped again. “I’m not going anywhere,” Youngbae repeated. “I can’t leave-” Seungri looked up through his lashes, eyes meeting Youngbae’s again. 

Their faces were so close. His breath died in his chest and his heart pounded, furious, sending a numbing roar through his ears. Their eyes met and time stretched. Youngbae’s eyes had  _ that _ look, the look that on anyone else would have been a plea for a kiss. His blood burned as it rushed under his skin as he felt the full, familiar tug in his groin. He had to close his eyes, he had to look away, he had to get up, he had to do  _ something _ .

“Jiyong,” Youngbae whispered, breath ghosting along Seungri’s jaw, shattering the moment between them. “I can’t leave Jiyong.”

“Yeah, that’s true, you’ll never leave  _ him, _ ” Seungri said, tearing his eyes away and taking a long, deep drink. “I’m going to bed,” he said, voice rough. He stood, heart falling to pieces behind him. “You should release the music as a mixtape, hyung,” he said into the darkness. “It was good.”

 

Their next concert series was coming up and Seungri made a point to avoid Youngbae as much as possible until then. The pleasure the feelings he’d been developing had turned on a knife’s edge after Jeju. Every smile, every sparkle of Youngbae’s eyes sent a chaser of pain to stab at him after the pleasure of love faded. 

_ Love _ . He could admit to himself what it was. He was in love with Dong Youngbae. He was also a colossal, fucking idiot. He knew of only one way to ‘fix’ this. It’s the only thing that had worked in the past: alcohol and as many partners as he could lure into his bed. 

 

He slept the whole flight to Guangzhou. He managed to avoid Youngbae, getting checked into the hotel. He inserted himself between Seunghyun and Daesung every chance he could get, basking in their fanservice. 

That night after the concert he avoided meeting Youngbae’s eyes and offered no options for the after party, so they found themselves at a club of Jiyong’s choosing, amidst flashing light and scantily clad male bodies.

“A  _ gay _ club?” Daesung had giggled as they went through the front door.

“You gotta hear the guy playing,” Jiyong cajoled. Seungri let the banter fade into the back and made straight for the bar, knocking back two shots before immersing himself in the crowd. 

Youngbae was on the balcony, trying not to be awkward as he looked down on the mass of dancers. Seungri could read him from half the club away. He ached to go to him, to tease and flirt and put the group’s token straight member at ease. He ground up on the beautiful boy in front of him, putting hands on bare hips and dipping his head to trace a tongue along glistening skin.

The boy grinned up at him and licked at his lips, enticing, an offer. Seungri grinned back. A hand dropped to his buckle and he let himself be dragged to the upstairs bathroom which turned out to be a long row of about a half-dozen individually doored rooms. How convenient. 

He fell back into the first available stall. The boy pressed up on him, littering kisses up his neck. He grabbed his jaw and turned his face up. He pressed in a rough kiss, devouring the boy, sucking in his tongue and biting into his lips. The boy pulled away, flushed and aroused. He laughed and dug into his pocket, proffering a small pill which Seungri delicately nibbled off his fingers. 

“Suck me,” Seungri whispered and the boy knelt, smoothly, at his feet. He felt his fly zip open and he was engulfed in wet heat and he closed his eyes, letting the pleasure and the alcohol and the bump take him. 

The boy wanted to kiss, after, and Seungri let him. He leaned, passive, against the restroom tile tasting alcohol and his own come on the boy’s tongue. The world spun around him slowly. Thoughts of Youngbae threatened, and he pushed them down as he sunk to his own knees, to return the boy’s favor. He was lovely, delicious, beautifully shaped and wholly wrong. 

 

“Seungri,” Youngbae’s voice froze his heart as he fell out of the restroom, boy on his arm. 

“Oh, hey, hyung,” Seungri said, false cheer and false smile riding his afterglow.

“You-”

“Yeah,” he said with a smirk. “I know you don’t go for it, but you gotta admit he’s pretty.” Seungri tightened his arm around the boy who preened for Youngbae. 

“I- I think I’m going to go back,” Youngbae said.

“Yeah, hyung, good idea,” Seungri heard himself say as he headed back down to the dance floor. “See you tomorrow.”

 

The next morning, same routine. He kept to himself, waking alone, eating alone, showing up where he needed to be when he needed to be there. He put on the big smile, the big act, for the crowd, for his members. He felt Jiyong eyeing him, suspicious, but he shrugged it off. 

But Seungri couldn’t avoid Youngbae when he turned the corner after their second show to his hyung leaning against his hotel room door, bottles in hand and tentative smile playing about his lips. He couldn’t avoid the squeeze of hope around his heart when Youngbae asked if he wanted to chill for the night. He couldn’t avoid saying yes and letting Youngbae into his room. 

They sat on the couch, and despite his agony, the same, familiar comfort that lived between them settled back in after the first bottle. The lust he buffered with other women settled in after the second. 

They hadn’t spoken for a full ten minutes, Seungri thought distractedly. They’d been staring, at the room, at each other. 

Youngbae’s fingers had been stroking the fly of his own pants, lazily toying with his zipper. Seungri knew what was behind that zipper. He know how it looked, how it tasted. He knew the sounds Youngbae made and he wanted them. He moved onto his knees in front of Youngbae and looked up for permission. Youngbae’s fingers moved to unbutton his fly and Seungri did the rest. 

Alcohol had Youngbae hard and full. He took a moment to take him in, length, girth. God he was beautiful, perfect. He craved the taste of the little bead glistening on the head. He groaned and took Youngbae into his mouth. He used every trick he had, laving and sucking the glorious length. He tasted a stream of precum and savored it. 

He needed to finish this quickly but he couldn’t help himself. He broke off to nuzzle Youngbae’s slick length with his nose, ghost his lips up its side. Youngbae’s groan shot straight through him and he wanted more. He sucked Youngbae down to the hilt and rolled his tongue. 

Hands came up to grip either side of his head. His fingers flexed into the couch, nails bending uncomfortably but Youngbae thrust up into him, obscuring everything else. Youngbae was always passive, always still and receptive. The hands on his head pulled too tight and he keened into the pain. Youngbae thrust into him again and again, each push stabbing into his mouth, his throat, his heart. 

_ Yes, use me, please, use me, _ his mind screamed as he shut his eyes tight and let himself be taken.  _ God, Youngbae, I’m yours _ .

It was rough and violent and Youngbae yelled his name as he came. His limbs melted on themselves as Youngbae pulled him off his wilting cock. He expected to fall to the floor in a boneless heap but firm arms gripped him by the shoulders and pulled him into a searing kiss. Youngbae’s tongue pushed into him, possessive and demanding and he surrendered. His heart crushed and ached but he kissed back, taking everything offered. 

He was pushed back onto the couch and he panted as he watched Youngbae kneel in front of him, unbutton his fly, unzip him, take him out. He gasped as slender lips spread to wrap around him. He wanted to cry, scream, moan as he felt a delicate flick of tongue over his head. 

Youngbae sucked. Youngbae sucked him. Youngbae  _ was sucking him _ . His chest felt too tight. Tears pulled at the corners of his eyes. Seungri closed his eyes and felt himself falling apart at the seams. There was no finesse, no technique or skill, just the man he loved taking him in his mouth and pulling on his heart. 

“Youngbae, Youngbae, please,” he begged.  _ Youngbae I love you _ , he chanted in his mind as he cried out and came. He’d meant to pull Youngbae off, to offer a warning, to not shock him but it came too fast, in an obliterating rush that left destruction in its wake. 

The room spun as he spiraled down and Youngbae pushed back, stood to look down at him. He felt a tear slide from the corner of his eye as he passed out.

 

Seungri woke up alone. When he called, Jiyong told him Youngbae’d called Nari last night and decided to catch an early flight home. Seungri pretended to be happy for his hyung.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: I know, I know, I'm so so sorry. I've been dreading this chapter for weeks now but it couldn't be helped. I promise this will end well. Just... not soon... 
> 
> I hope you all have a Merry Christmas despite this lump of coal. If it makes things better, the ever-lovely TOPcorn gifted me with a beautiful bit of [ fan art ](http://croatoan-the-line.tumblr.com/post/135570644009/inspired-by-chapter-1-of-mousiesshis-brojobs) for Chapter 1. Please go and check it out.


	8. Dragon Hunting

Something had been bugging Jiyong for weeks now, pinging on his radar since their first comeback. No, longer, he conceded. But it was amorphous, fleeting. He racked his brain, pushing it back as far as it could go. It was like a dream, flitting through his mind, turning to vapor as he tried to pin it down. 

 

It had to do with Youngbae. He’d been concerned for his best friend for months, since the last big bust up with Nari. At first he’d shrugged it off. They were constantly breaking up. But that last one had stuck - for a long time.

 

He squirmed in his bed and tossed to his other side. Guilt wouldn’t let him off easy, though. He reasoned that he’d been busy with an album, and writing was hard work. The truth was, he hadn't been there when Youngbae needed him. The knowledge that Seungri had been there with his gaggle of friends to pick up the slack did nothing for his conscience.

 

Seungri, there was another concern. The boy liked to party. That was no secret. His exploits with Youngbae, though- the pair had seemed determined to fuck themselves through the entirety of Seoul’s party scene single handedly. Maybe Seungri was built like that, Youngbae wasn’t.

 

It was better, or he hoped it would be. The vague unease that itched constantly at the back of his mind hadn't faded, though, when Youngbae knocked on his door in Guangzhou and said he was leaving early, said that he and Nari had patched things up. It hadn’t faded over their first few days back in Korea either.

“Ugh,” he huffed, kicking off his bed sheets. He kicked them a few times more as the unease in his chest mounted. It was crawling under his skin, pulling him up to his feet. There was nothing for it but tried and true measures. He dragged his comforter around his shoulders and padded through the dark dorm to Seungri’s room.

He paused as he shut the door behind him. He knew that sniffling sound. He tread slowly, feet nudging at clothes piles and debris scattered over the floor until his knee hit bed. He threw his blanket over the bed and slid into Seungri’s sheets, arms finding and pulling Seungri into him. There was no resistance. It has been years but this was not unfamiliar. 

He held Seungri as tremors came in waves, punctuated by barely restrained cries. He threaded fingers through silky hair, soothing sounds slipping through his lips. 

When the worst had passed he dragged hands up and down Seungri’s back in a gentle caress. He let time slip by before whispering into the dark. “Boy or girl?” Seungri’s head tucked into his neck. He felt the shape of Seungri’s lips as the word ghosted over his skin.  _ Boy _ , of course. For Seungri girls were for fun, boys were for the heart. The opposite of Jiyong. His heart ached in sympathy. 

“Is there any chance?” Jiyong whispered. He was scared of the answer. Seungri’s head shook. “It’s one of the kids you run with isn’t it?” Jiyong asked. Seungri hadn’t had time to find someone new, it must be one of his scattered group of party goers. 

“Yeah.” Seungri’s whisper was raw. They lay in silence, Seungri gathering himself, Jiyong waiting to listen. “You would think I had learned by now,” Seungri said, bitter but controlled. “It’s always the straight ones.”

“Ah, Ri,” Jiyong said, “the heart does what the heart does. You’ll find someone, someday. I promise.” He racked his brain for words of comfort. “You never know what will happen. We will keep you busy for the next few months and you won’t have to see any of them - won’t have to see  _ him _ . Just work and let the feelings fade. Someday you’ll find someone, Seungri-ya, who will fall as hard as you do. And it will be beautiful.”

“When, hyung?” Seungri begged. 

“I don’t know, Ri. I don’t know. But you are beautiful and wonderful and the universe can deny you nothing.” He pressed a brotherly kiss into Seungri’s forehead. “Do you remember how I hated you, all those years ago when I first saw you? Do you remember the months and months where I didn’t even speak to you.” He felt Seungri smile against his neck. “And now look at me, wrapped around your wretched finger.”

Seungri nodded and his arms moved to wrap around Jiyong, pulling him tight. His breath only shuddered on the exhale, the peak of his pain seeming to have faded.

“You’ll do that to some other poor, unsuspecting soul, and then you’ll have them forever. I don’t know when but -” an example popped into his mind and he congratulated himself mentally “- the future can surprise us. None of us expected ‘Bae to get back with Nari did we but look at them, a phone call and a confession and they’re back strong.”

Jiyong froze in confusion as Seungri shattered in his arms. The tears and trembling slammed back in full force. “Ri, Ri, it’ll be ok,” he soothed, or tried to. The darkness faded to a hint of morning before Seungri exhausted himself into a fitful sleep. 

He had made no progress on his original problem, Seungri’s pain having taken precedence. In fact, his unease had only escalated at the depth of Seungri’s misery. Something was just not adding up.

 

It was the first performance of the A Series comeback. M Series had been a smashing success and A was shaping up to be just as good. The familiar coursing of adrenalin in his blood left him feeling a bit high as he looked at his members standing next to him. They’d already filmed Bang Bang Bang, We Like 2 Party was next. He would enter first, followed by Youngbae, Seunghyun, then the Maknaes would come in last. 

“Yah,” he whispered to Seunghyun, “Maknae’s feeling like shit so… maybe we can-” Jiyong wasn’t sure what they could do so he shrugged. Seunghyun smiled and nodded, sly smile joining the wicked sparkle in his eye. Seunghyun made a show of cracking his knuckles. Affectionate abuse was Seunghyun’s answer to everything and Jiyong smiled back and nodded. 

Jiyong made note to find video of this when it broadcast because Seungri’s face when they pulled him center stage to dance was precious. It wasn’t completely genuine, Jiyong knew the tells, but it was close enough that it gave him hope. Of course, Seunghyun took it too far by trying to jump on Seungri’s back. Seungri genuinely laughed at that, trying to fend his hyung off. 

Youngbae’s eyes caught his attention though, they went tight and hard as he smiled at Seunghyun’s antics. The wheels in Jiyong’s head began spinning as they bowed their way off stage, little scraps began falling into place. He slowed as he watched Daesung and Seungri walk to their dressing room. Sure enough he felt a rough shuffle. He backed up a couple steps to hear a harsh whisper from the empty side hall they’d just passed.

“Ya, what the hell was that, hyung?”

“What?” Seunghyun’s voice was confused and angry. At least he was sensible enough to whisper. Youngbae growled. 

“You don’t get enough with Daesung or something, you gotta go mounting Seungri on national television.”

“You’re out of line Dong Youngbae.” The cold in Seunghyun’s voice sent a chill down Jiyong’s spine. “We were playing with the Maknae and you played just as much as the rest of us. I don’t know what your beef is but you need to get it sorted.” 

Jiyong trotted down the hall a bit to be ahead before Seunghyun came back around the corner. 

 

The video he pulled up on his phone during the drive home confirmed it. He watched the last bit of the music show segment that had popped into his mind when he heard Youngbae accosting Seunghyun. He watched and really looked at Youngbae. On the surface it was just his tired best friend, leaning on Seungri after a late night of recording in the middle of a packed comeback schedule. 

He rewatched a couple of times. He paused and screen-shotted the video, enlarging on Youngbae’s face. He knew that look. He watched the video again and saw the way Youngbae curved into Seungri, just a fraction, saw the way Seungri curved back into him. 

 

“Ya, we need to talk,” he said, barging into Daesung and Seunghyun’s room after a perfunctory knock. 

“Hey-” Daesung screeched, clutching a blanket to his bare chest. Jiyong rolled his eyes and swiped a shirt off the floor, tossing it to Daesung. He climbed on the bed to sit cross-legged at its feet. 

“Whatever, I’ve seen it before,” he waved his hand as Daesung dressed. “We need to talk.”

Seunghyun reclined on the headboard, arms going behind his head. “Youngbae?” Seunghyun asked, eyes dark and edged in anger. 

“Youngbae?” Daesung echoed, confused. 

Jiyong nodded. 

“What happened with Youngbae?” Daesung asked. 

“He’s in love with Seungri,” Jiyong said. He had no patience for beating around the bush. Daesung’s jaw dropped open and understanding broke over Seunghyun’s face. 

“Wait, what?” Daesung asked. “In love with  _ Seungri _ .”

“Seungri’s in love back,” Jiyong informed them. “He’s cried himself senseless the past couple of nights.” He’d only been there for the first but his ears knew what to listen for when he passed in the hall. 

“They just got back together all of a sudden,” Daesung whispered. “Oh, Ri-ya,” he sighed in sympathy.

“So- what?” Seunhyun asked. “What do we do.”

“I don’t know,” Jiyong said. “Usually, it takes a few months but distance and time will do it.”

“We don’t have either of those,” Daesung said. 

“And Bae is happy with Nari,” Jiyong said. Seunghyun pulled a face. “What?”

“I don’t know if I’d call it happy.” Seunghyun said. 

“What do you mean?” Jiyong asked.

“Well, they’ve broken up a dozen times at least in the last year,” Daesung provided. 

“Yeah, but they keep getting back together. And Youngbae says he’s happy with her.” Jiyong tried to figure out what the other two were seeing that he was missing. “Happier than he was after Hyorin-”

“It’s really easy to say you’re happy,” Seunghyun explained. “Saying and being are two different things.”

“And if he is in love with Ri, why did he go to Nari?” Daesung asked.

Jiyong shrugged. This was why he came to these two, he hated trying to wrap his mind around all of this. 

“Has Youngbae ever been with a guy before?” Seunghyun asked, but they all knew the answer to that. Realization dawned and Jiyong felt like an idiot. “And his parents are Christian,” Seunghyun continued, “very Christian. So is he - but not like Dae and his mom.” Seunghyun left off mentioning Daesung’s dad and they all shared an awkward silence. 

“So, are we going to break them up?” Daesung asked.

“Well, I don’t see what other option there is,” Jiyong replied. 

“Well shit,” Seunghyun said, speaking for all of them. This was a fucking mess. Jiyong scrubbed his hands over his eyes. He couldn’t even begin to fathom how to proceed.

He opened his eyes to Seunghyun tugging Daesung on the bed. “Ok, we’ve talked, we know what we need to do, we’ll figure out how to do it tomorrow.” He pulled Daesung onto him and began nuzzling into his neck. “So unless you want to join-” Seunghyun turned innocent eyes at Jiyong, who pulled a face of disgust and fled their room. 

He sighed as he slumped to his own room. Somehow he had to break up his best friend and his girlfriend and convince the blind, stubborn idiot that he wasn’t straight and that it was ok and also that he was in love with their maknae. Somedays he hated being the leader. 

 

The next couple of weeks were an absolute revelation to Jiyong as he discovered just how crappy a friend he’d been. He put out tentative feelers to all their mutual friends, and not a one of them thought Youngbae and Nari were a good couple. Younbae’d always seemed so content to him, he tried to reason with himself. And Jiyong wasn’t one to pry or dig too deep. If someone said they were happy and acted happy well, they were happy weren’t they?

Apparently not. 

Those uncomfortable conversations did provide more than just a bruising to Jiyong’s ego, thankfully. There were hints, whispered suspicions that cast Nari’s fidelity in less than rosy hues. 

“Could we set her up, you think?” Jiyong asked Seunghyun and Daesung as the trio shared dinner in a tiny Beijing restaurant.

“What like a honeypot?” Seunghyun asked, half laughing.

“I don’t know, maybe you could seduce her,” Jiyong suggested.

“Can’t.” Seunghyun said around a mouthful of food. “She knows I’m gay and fucking ridiculously in love with this one.” He waved a finger at Daesung, who was cute enough to blush. 

Jiyong stomped his feet under the table. Why was this so hard? 

“Look, maybe we just watch her,” Seunghyun said. 

“Hyung, we are about to start a worldwide tour. How the hell are we going to watch her?” Daesung asked.

“If she is cheating, when better to do it than when your boyfriend is out of the country?” Seunghyun reasoned. 

“Yeah but she’s a model, she isn’t stupid,” Jiyong grumped, stomping again.

“She’ll slip up some way,” Daesung said, trying to soothe Jiyong. He growled in frustration. 

Seunghyun plucked at his phone and began tapping away. “Look, we need some help is all. She isn’t stupid but she isn’t perfect, she’ll slip up eventually. We just need someone to keep eyes on her is all.” Seunghyun brought his phone up to his ear and waited. 

“Yeah, and we just need to keep Youngbae so busy when we’re in Seoul that he won’t have time to be with her. And you know, I could-”

“Soohyuk-ah,” Seunghyun cut them off. Jiyong and Daesung turned to watch Seunghyun. “Yeah, bro, I’m going to need you to do me a favor while we’re out on tour. Look, I can’t talk but I’ll text you right now and explain.”

Seunghyun rang off and cradled his phone as he typed rapidly at Soohyuk. “I’ll explain, he can do it while we are away.”

“Don’t out Bae!” Jiyong snapped, protective of his best friend. 

Seunghyun gave him an even look and Jiyong blushed, abashed. “Just - you know,” he shrugged.

Daesung rubbed at his shoulders. “I know Ji, we know.”

 

In the end it was almost ridiculous how easy it was. Perhaps she had just taken it for granted that with Youngbae out of the country she didn’t have to worry.

It was only a couple months before a photo from Soohyuk popped up on his phone. For all that this was what he’d wanted, Jiyong’s stomach sank and his heart thudded in his chest. A moment of hesitation took him.  _ Was this the right thing to do?  _ He vaguely felt like he’d done something wrong.  _ Who was he to get involved in Youngbae’s life like this. And so what if he and Seungri were head over heels? _

The last month of observation had solidified it. Jiyong had kept them as busy as possible - recording, practicing, filming, more recording when not flying halfway around the world for weekends on end. There had been no more tears from Seungri, and after a month they’d stopped avoiding one another, falling into a semblance of their old playfulness. But Jiyong could  _ feel _ the undercurrents now that he was watching for them. Touches lasted a hair too long and were almost painfully charged. Eyes fixed on lips or hands when they could be looking elsewhere. There were little, soft smiles, too, when either thought himself completely alone. Smiles that twisted into bitter frowns. They both froze, jaws hard and shoulders tense whenever Nari was mentioned. And - they were never alone together anymore.

Jiyong looked at his phone and tried to breathe around the clench of his heart. It had seemed like a good idea, break Youngbae from the relationship that was making him miserable and push him to the one that Jiyong  _ knew _ would make him happy. If two people could fall seamlessly into one another’s cracks and smooth over each other’s rough spots it was those two. Now, though, as he looked at Nari’s lips pressed to the neck of some nameless boy, darkness behind them like they were in an alley, he was painfully aware of the devastation he was about to bring.

He tried to reassure himself, as he made his way to Youngbae’s hotel room, that it wasn’t really his fault. That Nari was the one who had cheated, that he was just a messenger. He still felt like shit when he knocked. 

“Who is it?” Youngbae’s voice was muffled on the other side of the door. Jiyong took a deep breath.

“Bae, it’s me.”

“Oh-” Youngbae’s door opened. “Jiyong-ah, hey.” Youngbae smiled and let him in, noting the case of soju in Jiyong’s hand. “You ok?”

“Bae-yah,” Jiyong said, trying to find the words as his heart broke for Youngbae.

“Sit, Ji, here.” Youngbae guided Jiyong to sit at the foot of his bed and took the soju, leaving it on the bedside table. He returned to sit, one leg tucked under him as he looked at Jiyong. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s not me - it’s -” Jiyong hated everything. He was terrible at this. He just flipped over his phone and shoved it at Youngbae. “I’m sorry man, I’m so sorry.” 

The picture of Nari was still on his screen and Youngbae took it. He seemed to collapse in on himself. Jiyong reached out a hand, cupping a fragile shoulder. 

“I knew,” Youngbae said, breath shuddering as he exhaled. 

“You did?”

“I mean I suspected.” Youngbae pushed the phone towards him and Jiyong took it, tossing it down to the floor at his feet. “She was always so - She accused me all the time of cheating on her and it just felt like too much? I hoped, and when we got back together I thought maybe -” His lips froze like he could not speak anymore and he buried his face in his hands. 

Jiyong pulled, bringing Youngbae into him, throwing arms around his shoulders. 

“I’m sorry, Youngbae,” he whispered as Youngbae cried into him. They didn’t talk for a long time. 

Once spent, wordlessly, Youngbae went for the soju. Jiyong fished out the bottle opener he’d stashed in a back pocket and they sat side-by-side against the headboard of the bed, getting completely drunk. 

“You weren’t happy, though, were you Bae?” Jiyong asked as they started on the fourth bottle.

Youngbae sighed. “I don’t even know, Ji.”

“I heard rumors - when you two got together. I-” Jiyong hiccoughed, “I had Soohyuk start watching her. You should be with someone who treats you right, and someone who you know makes you happy.”  _ You should be with Seungri,  _ he thought and thanked God that he wasn’t so drunk as to say it aloud. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have gotten involved.”

“It’s ok, Ji, it-” Youngbae reached a forgiving hand to Jiyong’s leg. “You were just looking out for me is all, it’s ok.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Here, give me your phone,” Youngbae said.

Jiyong wobbled as he crawled to pick his phone up from the floor at the foot of the bed. He tossed it to Youngbae, who coded it open and punched around for a bit. Youngbae’s own phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached for it. 

“Sent yourself the picture?” Jiyong asked. Youngbae nodded.

He tapped at his phone sending a photo message to Nari. “This is bullshit. We’re done. Never call me again,” he said allowed as he texted. He hit send and the photo and the message were gone. 

“I’m done,” Youngbae said, turning into Jiyong as he crawled back up the bed. Jiyong grabbed for the soju and took a long drink before offering to Youngbae. 

“Fuck,” Youngbae said as he offered the bottle back. 

Jiyong shrugged. “I’ll be ok, Bae,” he said, stroking Youngbae’s back.

“This shouldn’t hurt,” Youngbae said. “She’s terrible.

Youngbae pressed himself down into the pillows, closing his eyes. “Sleep, Youngbae, it’ll be better tomorrow.” Youngbae nodded and Jiyong watched him until the gentle snores began rumbling in his throat. 

Step one of his master plan was complete, for all he felt terrible over it, Youngbae’s forgiveness or not.  _ Maybe I should let step two go _ , he thought to himself before he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I thought to myself... why not update early? So I am. Yay! We aren't there but things are a little better. So this chapter - after the break it just felt right to pull back, to separate ourselves from our sad leads and see what is going on around them. The working title for this chapter was: Jiyong ex machina. Heh.  
> FYI the clip Jiyong watches, and really the inspiration that started this whole journey was captured in [ this gifset ](http://thispandahasmoved.tumblr.com/post/118368845636). And in case that page ever disappears: [1 ](http://49.media.tumblr.com/ca8f87ec7d4d5d310c5cabdc14293baf/tumblr_nnzkp2rPG31up0hhmo1_250.gif), [ 2 ](http://49.media.tumblr.com/cdab0b9527c0d73bec710bd323a0800c/tumblr_nnzkp2rPG31up0hhmo2_250.gif), [ 3 ](http://45.media.tumblr.com/a6e8c770fcb156f09c5e889e5bb6552a/tumblr_nnzkp2rPG31up0hhmo3_500.gif). Because I can't deal with the way Bae curves into Ri and the way Ri pats at his back.... gah! We are nearing the end friends, only 2 chapters left! Thank you again to everyone who is following this story with me and has left beautiful comments and kudos.


	9. I Want You

Youngbae glared at Jiyong, incensed at his wide, innocent eyes. "What do you mean the scheduling-noona messed up?"

Jiyong had the audacity to look him righy in the eyes and shrug. "There's only three rooms," he repeated and strode past him with his suitcase squeaking behind him. He stopped at Seunghyun and Daesung to hand them a key. Youngbae's eyes flitted to Seungri who shuffled from foot to foot next to him, eyes darting everywhere but back at him. 

Youngbae stalked after Jiyong. "Ya, so what-" a key card smacked into his chest. 

"You and Ri can share,” Jiyong said. Youngbae spluttered. 

"We could share, Ji-hyung," Seungri offered, coming up and looking hopefully at Jiyong. Youngbae clenched his teeth as full diva-mode descended upon Jiyong. 

"Yeah, Leader prerogative," Jiyong said, sweeping past them to the elevator lobby. He swore he could hear Daesung and Seunghyun giggling behind him but he didn't turn to look. Instead, he ground his teeth and followed after Jiyong. 

The elevator dinged and Youngbae half-bowed, glare still boring into Jiyong. "Would the Young Master like to ride alone, or will the peasants be allowed to accompany?"

Jiyong's face was serene as he glided past Youngbae and Seungri. "Nah, you two can come," he said, unfazed, then to the couple bringing up the rear, "and you two." Seunghyun and Daesung ignored Jiyong and walked into the elevator. Seungri slunk in behind them. Youngbae squashed the flutter in his stomach and ignored the moans echoing in his memory as he stood next to Seungri for the eternal ride up to their floor.

"So-" Seungri said, pointedly not looking at Youngbae as they walked into their room, "I can take the couch."

“Nah, let’s just share,” Youngbae said as he hoisted his suitcase onto the large bed. “There’s room for both of us.”

“No. I’m sleeping on the couch.” Seungri’s tone allowed for no negotiation, so Youngbae didn’t push. They unpacked in silence. Youngbae was painfully aware that this was the first time they’d been alone together since - 

_ He wasn’t thinking, he was just moving, sinking to his knees, fingers on fly, and tugging and he couldn’t even look he just - wanted. Seungri was panting on the couch below him, hips writhing against the fabric of his jeans, his underwear. He wrapped a hand around heat and girth, coarse hair chaffing against his palm as he opened his mouth and swallowed.  _

_ The taste was warm, salty, unfamiliar, unpleasant? He flicked his tongue and Seungri’s breath was a broken whine and his heart stuttered before pounding painfully in his chest.  _

Youngbae shook his head at the invasive memory. He and Seungri hadn’t been alone since that night but the memories were constant. Fleeing had seemed the only course of action, then, looking down at Seungri, sated, soft and so incredibly male he could taste it. He wondered if he’d had a choice that night and made the wrong one.

He jerked up as a phone rang. Seungri walked to pick up the room phone and Youngbae tried to stop his runaway heart, hiding jittery hands in the small stack of shirts he laid in a drawer.

“Yeah, ok we’ll be down in 10.” Seungri returned the phone then looked at Youngbae, who nodded and ducked into the restroom to lay out his toiletries. 

 

He wouldn’t have come to the club if Daesung hadn’t drug him along. He’d avoided most after concert parties the last few months - using the ‘I’m taken’ excuse and offering an apologetic shrug before going back to his hotel room, phone to ear and Nari. Now there was no Nari and he didn’t want to be out. He was painfully aware of Seungri on the dance floor (he fought memories of Seungri’s arm around a beautiful boy as they disappeared into a restroom) but Daesung had fastened onto him and insisted he shouldn’t be alone with his singledom. 

“You’re not feeling it, huh,” Daesung said from his side. He’d been beside Youngbae the whole night as he played wallflower. He gave Daesung a half-smile and a shrug. “Come on,” Daesung said, hooking an arm around his shoulders and pulling him towards the exit.

“What about Seunghyun-hyung?” Youngbae asked as they stepped into the relative quiet of the street. Shanghai swirled around them but from a welcome distance after the oppressive throng of the club. 

Daesung smiled and fished a phone out of his pocket. “He’s having too much fun with the other two and he won’t want to miss Ri’s set.” Daesung tapped out a message on his phone before returning it to a back pocket and falling into step with Youngbae. “I thought it might be nice to just walk for a while.” He fished facemasks from another pocket and passed one to Youngbae. “Here, take Seunghyun’s he won’t need it.”

Anonymity secured as much as possible, they walked in silence, hands in pockets, Daesung shortening his stride and Youngbae lengthening his. After a block Youngbae looked askance at Daesung. “You really love him, don’t you?”

Daesung looked at him and a shy smile pushed his cheeks up above the mask and his eyes were bright. “Alot. So much.” He looked forward to the cars in the distance. “I think we might get married some day.” 

Youngbae’s stride faltered. “R-really?”

Daesung nodded. “Oh it’ll probably never be public, not officially at least. But not because of the gay thing, that’s just how Seunghyun is.”

“But-”

“Yeah, we’ll probably be outed eventually but, Seunghyun will never say anything publicly and YG doesn’t really care.”

“And you?”

“I have him, and that’s all that really matters to me.”

They walked in silence for another block, walking alongside a large, empty park. “But what about your church?” As he asked, he realized he’d wanted to ask that question for a long time.

“What about it?” 

“Well, you know,” Youngbae shrugged not really sure how to say what he wanted. “You’re Christian and -” Youngbae waved a hand.

“Gay?” Daesung laughed. He walked to a bench and sat down, watching empty swings sway in the wind.

“Yeah,” Youngbae said, sitting next to him. Daesung slumped to press a shoulder into him, legs sprawled out in the playground gravel. 

“Look, how long have you known us, Bae-ya?”

“Ten years.”

“And do we love each other?”

“You and Seunghyun?” Youngbae asked and Daesung nodded. Youngbae snorted. “You two love each other like people in stories.”

“Can you see any sin in it?”

Youngbae had to be honest. “Your love is one of the most beautiful things I know, Daesung. I just-”

“This is how God made us, Bae-ya. Me and Seunghyun. And God is love and - if it’s wrong then he’ll have to sort it out after we’re gone.”

“But -  _ you _ can’t pick a girl.” Youngbae’s heart was racing and his mind felt jumbled.

“Love is love, Youngbae. I didn’t pick a boy, I picked love.” Daesung looked up at him and his eyes were so soft, caring. “I don’t know about the Bible or Church but God is love,” he repeated. “That’s what I hold to.”

Youngbae swallowed the tears that stung at the corner of his eye. “I can’t pick a boy,” he whispered to himself but the gentle arm that wrapped his shoulders told him Daesung had heard, over the gusting wind and the honking horns and roar of engines, Daesung heard him and held him. 

They sat in silence and let the city move around them.

_ Love _ . Was that what it was, this thing that twisted him around whenever he saw Seungri? He’d been in love before, he was sure, and this-. He had to be honest if it was a woman he would call it love, this overwhelming need to see him smile, to wrap and hold him tight, to feed and care for but also watch unravel with pleasure; a relentless want that left him aching for more. It was a need that pulled him and terrified him, pushed him into running even as he wanted to fall into it and drown.

He curled forward to press his face to his palms. A hand settled on his back, rubbing up and down in soothing lines. “Come on,” Daesung said, “let’s go back.” Youngbae sighed and nodded, walking back to their hotel in silence, comforted by Daesung’s steady presence at his side.

 

He was awake when Seungri came in that night. Relief warmed him as he heard the door open, for all he’d half hoped Jiyong would quit acting the diva and let the maknae sleep with him. His gut twisted at the image of Seungri sharing a bed with their octopus-limbed leader.  _ Love _ , he thought as Seungri fumbled in the dark.

“I’m awake, you can turn on a light,” Youngbae said into the darkness.

“Nah, I’m ok, hyung.” There was a shuffle and a whoof of sound as Seungri flopped onto the couch. He sounded and moved like he was sober. 

“Just come sleep on the bed, maknae,” Youngbae said. Butterflies were cavorting (actually cavorting) in his stomach and he could barely breathe but he turned back the covers on the unoccupied side of the bed.

“I’m fine, Youngbae,” Seungri said, voice harsh, no honorifics, just his name a sharp whisper hanging in the air between them. Youngbae flipped the bed sheets back and rolled onto his side, stung. 

Seungri sighed. Time passed indeterminately but still Youngbae was awake when Seungri whispered. “I have a condition. A - thing - that makes it a bad idea to share a bed.” His voice was soft, vulnerable. Youngbae turned towards his voice. 

“It’s called sexsomnia. That’s what the doctor called it at least. Some people sleepwalk or sleep talk but I - have sex - in my sleep. Most times I dream, random stupid things. Like I’m trapped on a sinking ship or climbing a mountain or trying to put out a fire and for some reason my brain decides sex is the way to escape the ship or get to the top of the mountain or whatever.

“Usually I just wake up with a mess in my shorts but - if someone else is in the bed-

“I can’t control it when I’m asleep and I’m not going to attack someone who makes the mistake of sleeping with me. If I fucked before sleeping it doesn’t happen, but if I’m stressed, or tired -” Seungri paused and Youngbae heard him shuffle on the couch. “I’ll just stay here, Youngbae.”

Youngbae flipped the blankets back again and began lining excess pillows down the center of the bed. “Come here, maknae,” Youngbae whispered. “I put pillows between us and if you start anything I’ll punch you awake, kay?”

“Bae-”

“Just come, Seungri,” and as he spoke he heard the ache in his own voice, the needy whine that was asking for so much more. He hoped Seungri couldn’t hear it too, not yet. The bed dipped as Seungri settled on its other side. Youngbae flipped the blankets over him then settled on his side of the pillow-wall.

“Bae,” Seungri whispered.

“Yeah?”

“No one knows- about-”

“I won’t say anything, Seungri,” Youngbae promised. “Go to sleep.” 

Youngbae listened as Seungri’s breath evened out into sleep.  _ Attack _ . That’s what Seungri had said. Is that what Youngbae had done? That first time had been so long ago. Sexsomnia? Was that what had happened with Seungri? He curled in on himself. His whole world was a mess.

 

Technically, it was a day off between concerts and, technically, Jiyong was his best friend. 

“Jiyong I hate shopping,” he whined as Jiyong stalked around Youngbae’s room. Seungri had disappeared to find Daesung for a morning workout at the break of dawn, leaving Youngbae to sleep off his midnight angst.

Jiyong jumped on the bed and snuggled into Youngbae. “Come on fashion icon, you have to … you know …. fashion.”

“I don’t think that’s a verb,” Youngbae snarked and tried to bury himself in the pillows. 

“It’s whatever I want it to be,” Jiyong said as he began to strip back Youngbae’s covers. “Now get your ass out of bed and go shopping with me.” Youngbae sighed and gave into Jiyong’s winning smile. 

“I hate you,” Youngbae growled as he shuffled off for a shower and a shave. 

“Love you, too,” Jiyong shouted, flicking on the television.

A shower and a shave and brunch, two music stores, three boutiques and a roadside vendor later, the pair wandered in a companionable silence up and down an overstuffed clothing outlet. They’d exhausted all the family complaints, music critique, and fashion drooling. Jiyong had dished on all the best gossip for Youngbae to roll his eyes at and spent the equivalent of a small municipality’s annual budget. 

“So you’re not hanging with Seungri as much now.”

“Well you can’t get shitfaced and fuck random girls when you’re taken,” Youngbae explained, discomfort settling in under his skin as he walked away to avoid the conversation. Jiyong followed to stand next to him, flicking through an array of skinny jeans.

“Well, true, but you could have escaped with him and a couple bombshells last night if you wanted.” He slurped at the over-priced tea he held in one hand. “It’s how you guys used to roll.”

Youngbae shrugged. “I wasn’t in the mood for it last night.” He tried to look injured. “I did just break up, you know.”

“Whatever,” Jiyong dismissed that with a wave. “You didn’t have to put up such a fuss yesterday about sharing a room with Ri, too, you know.”

Youngbae’s stomach clenched. He really, really, did not want to talk about this. He moved to another display and, dogged, Jiyong followed. 

Youngbae refrained from snapping but it was a close thing. He could feel Jiyong smirking beside him. “You know, you should be nice to Ri.”

Youngbae attempted to pull a face. “Why?” 

“Because he’s in love with you, idiot,” Jiyong deadpanned as he pulled out a pair of pants to hold up to his hips. He looked up to Youngbae. “Now you just have to decide you’re over the whole dick thing to see that you’re in love with him too.” 

Youngbae couldn’t stop the flush that flashed across his cheeks. His eyes darted to the clothing racks, desperate to avoid Jiyong’s gaze. 

“Oh my fucking God, you goobers,” Jiyong scoffed, slamming the pants back onto their rack. “You have got to be shitting me. You’re fucking - you’ve been fucking. You two fucking-”

“We haven’t!” Youngbae shouted then took hold of himself. “Fucked,” he hissed. Painfully aware of the people on the other end of the store. “It was blowjobs. Between friends. Straight - kinda straight friends. Brojobs,” he finished, feeling a bit self-satisfied at using Seungri’s term.

“Bae, if you’re sucking dick it isn’t kinda straight, it’s hella gay.”

“I don’t know-”

“No it is and I am about to kick both your asses for the stress and aggravation you’ve caused me.” A hand fluttered up to Jiyong’s forehead, delicate fingers trembling. 

Something Jiyong had said finally registered. “Wait, he loves me?”

“Yes, dork, he does and you love him back.” Jiyong turned back to the clothes, apparently bored of the conversation. 

“I’ve never been in love with a guy before,” Youngbae muttered, moving to stand next to him and flick through the line of shirts. 

“Well, now you have, congratulations. Now go away and fix your life so I can enjoy mine,” Jiyong said, feigning annoyance. He grabbed a shirt from the rack before handing Youngbae his tea and walking to the fitting rooms. He glanced back at Youngbae, though, to give him an affectionate smile. Youngbae smiled back and Jiyong rolled his eyes before disappearing. 

 

Teasing Seungri, on stage and off, was Big Bang's favorite past time. Few things brought as much pleasure as his mildly irritated face working to contain a laugh, unless it was his terrible hyena's bray actually breaking out. Even on the mornings they woke thinking for sure Big Bang would not last the day - that they'd finally broken themselves - they ended their nights, tormenting their maknae in public, in private chat, on national television or all of the above. They did it as easy as breathing, all of them falling into their familiar taunts, finding comfort amidst scandal and internal battles in Seungri's unabashed spirit and affectionate sarcasm.

As wide as the gulf between them, Youngbae had not strayed from the pattern, but their final night in front of Shanghai's VIPs was different. He knew Seungri recognized it, the sincerity in Youngbae's face after months of a performer's mask, with his first mocking joke at Seungri’s expense. When their eyes met, shock registered for a half second before Seungri's deprecating smile covered the lapse. 

_ You love me _ , Youngbae thought to himself as Seungri dazzled the crowd, eyes still on Youngbae,  _ and I think I love you, ridiculous child. _

For the first time in months, there in front of the crowd, he felt at ease in his own skin. He stood next to Seungri, watching Seunghyun and Daesung's over the top fan service and hoped that he might soon have what they did. He hoped that he had not damaged things too deeply. 

Seungri loved his hyungs with an unconditional depth that awed each of them when they took the time to actually appreciate it. He hoped that Seungri loved him enough to forgive him months of unintentional pain and a confused midnight attack.

They bowed their way off stage after a final encore and Youngbae hung back to walk beside Seungri. He eyed him out of the corner of his eye. 

"I love you," Youngbae’s heart whispered. He hoped Seungri could forgive, but he owed him the truth either way.

 

_ "But Ji," Youngbae had said over sandwiches just before their soundcheck that afternoon, "I've hurt him." His stomach had churned at the realization of what their months of playing might have cost Seungri, emotionally. He'd drowned in the memory of the single tear sliding down Seungri's cheek their last night in Guangzhou, when they'd been together with no women to provide a convenient excuse. _

_ Jiyong had shrugged, stealing Youngbae's untouched sandwich. "We all hurt the people we love." Youngbae was growing to crave the way that word made him feel.  _

_ "Yeah but-" _

_ "Well if you've hurt him too bad, he'll reject  you and things will be awkward and we'll make it through. Can't be worse than me and Seunghyun."  _

_ Youngbae had nodded, wincing at the memories of watching the group fracture under their breakup.  _

_ "Maybe-" _

_ "Look he isn't going to reject you. He's head over fucking heels, and, if what you did was bad enough then," Jiyong had shrugged again and took a big bite, "then I guess you deserve the pain," he'd said around a mouthful, "for fucking with my maknae." _

 

Youngbae shoved at Seungri as they walked into their dressing room together, both flushed and still a little breathless, running on the post-show high.

"Party tonight?" Youngbae asked. There was a fractional dim in the light of Seungri's eyes but he nodded.

"Don't drink so much tonight, though," Youngbae said. “It’s not good for you.” Seungri blinked, confused, but he ducked his head and smiled. 

"Ok, hyung," he said.

The after party was actually relatively mild. Youngbae didn't touch a drop of alcohol. He needed to be clear headed tonight, though adoration for Seungri was providing its own intoxication. 

He couldn't seem to stop himself from touching, stroking fingers over Seungri's skin as if he'd never done it before. Seungri had jumped the first few times and Youngbae blushed and smiled but didn't stop as Seungri began to lean into his touches. 

_ He loves me. _ Youngbae's mind had room for nothing else amidst his heart’s flutters and exquisite stutters. 

Youngbae watched as the night became more and more reckless, Daesung and Seunghyun loud and falling over one another, Jiyong hitting on anything that passed him by. He slid around Seungri, intercepting yet another drink on its way to the maknae and passed it off to the nearest hand. 

He slung an arm up over Seungri’s shoulders. “Hey, take me home?” He shouted over the music. He cringed internally, screaming at himself.  _ What the hell was he doing? _

Seungri blinked then nodded, looking confused. He moved as if to approach a group of dancing women but Youngbae gripped hard on his shoulder and turned him towards the exit. 

“You have too much?” Seungri asked, laughing awkwardly as they stepped to the street to hail a cab. Youngbae shrugged noncommittally as he watched a taxi stop on the street. Seungri opened the door and Youngbae slid in all the way to the opposite side. Seungri sat across, almost as far away as possible and their hands lay between them and Youngbae could barely breathe around the air between them. 

_ Hotel, _ he told himself. He’d tell Seungri at the hotel. He couldn’t confess in a cab, with a cabbie and -. He took a steadying breath. The silence between them continued for the whole ride. Youngbae shouted at himself to say something but he just tapped his fingers restlessly and stared out the window. Seungri was doing the same and - the circuits of his brain fried as fingers grazed against his. He looked at Seungri who looked at him. Simultaneously they brought their hands to their laps and looked straight forward out the windshield. 

Once in the room Seungri moved towards the shower. “Oh,” Youngbae said, heart sinking. 

“Do you mind?”

“No, not at all - um - go ahead,” he waved to the restroom door. 

“You can go right after. And don’t worry,” Seungri said softly, looking at him through impossibly long lashes, “no funny business.” 

His smile arced through Youngbae and he remembered their first night together. He forced himself to smile back, submerging the urge to just press him against the wall and kiss the soft curve of his lips.  _ I love you _ . 

“Sure, I’ll order you a burger?”

“Ramen,” Seungri corrected before disappearing. Youngbae was filled with nervous energy. Sitting was impossible. Not pacing was impossible. He closed his eyes and he tried not to think of Seungri in the shower, wet, tried not to remember the way Seungri had tasted, the way he’d felt in Youngbae’s mouth. He pressed a hand to his groin.

He remembered their day in Japan, he remembered cavorting in a furniture store. Remembered giggling together in the kitchen while Daesung chastised Seunghyun for buying furniture when drunk and Seunghyun vowing to drink less. Remembered the nights they would spend curled up on the couch, movie playing and blankets billowing around them. 

Yes this was love and he was going to confess as soon as Seungri was out of the shower. 

A towel smacked him right in the face. “Yo, hyung, you can go now.” Seungri stood in the room, bare footed, all soft and cuddly in rumpled pajamas. Seungri laughed at him. “How much did you drink? You’re a mess, hyung, go shower.”

Youngbae grabbed the towel in a shaky fist and moved into the humid restroom. A shower was a good idea. He’d confess after a shower. 

 

Seungri was asleep when he emerged from the restroom, uneaten bowl of ramen on the table by the bed. Youngbae tried not to collapse under his disappointment. 

 

Youngbae hadn’t slept, opting to build up their pillow wall and curl up on his side of it, watching Seungri sleep in the dim light spilling into the dark room from the restroom. He ached to reach out and touch. He was so in love and, admitting it, fear had evaporated. He wanted Seungri, annoying, loud, brash and beautiful Seungri. 

The bed began to shake and Youngbae’s eyes darted down Seungri’s body.  _ Shit _ . Seungri’s hands were shifting under the sheets, legs writhing and hips beginning to rock up. 

_ If you start anything I’ll punch you awake _ , he had said. He wasn’t about to fuck this up. He reached a hand out to shake Seungri awake. 

“Seungri,” he hissed.

“I gotta fight, gotta get to the top,” Seungri whispered under his breath, fingers groping at his own crotch. “Please, please.”

“Seungri,” Youngbae said louder. He shook harder. “Seungri!”

Seungri froze, whites of his eyes catching snatches of light as they blinked open. He was panting as he looked around. “Bae?” He asked, confused.

Youngbae spread his hand over Seungri’s bicep, gentle and open. 

“Was I -” Seungri’s voice was tinged in panic. “Shit.”

“It’s -,” Youngbae licked at his lips. “It’s ok - Ri - I -.” He slid his hand to Seungri’s chest and he looked down into Seungri’s eyes.  _ I love you _ , he thought. “I want to help you -”

“Bae-” Seungri’s voice sounded so broken, Youngbae’s heart wrenched with guilt. 

“I - I love you Seungri,” the words were an ungraceful rush. “Please, can I?”

Seungri looked at him for an eternity, understanding creeping across his face. Youngbae saw the moment it all clicked into place. “Kiss me,” Seungri said, voice rough and body arching up into Youngbae’s palm. 

Youngbae surged over the wall between them and took Seungri in his arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How much do you hate me right now? I... am not sorry? Lol. Well, kiddos, one more chapter to wrap this all up but do not fret - I'm toying with a sequel which is really just an excuse for me to write reams of smut. Win/Win right? And don't worry, though they've jumped to the physical, Seungri is still going to get to say his piece. 
> 
> Also, I meant to say this in the last chapter, but my mangling of Hyorin was entirely for this story. I love the fact that Youngbae is dating and she seems really lovely. And even if she didn't, I am a huge proponent of all idols dating whom and how they please. I wish them all the best and much happiness. 
> 
> Finally, I was sick af when I wrote most of this so hopefully it isn't terrible? As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome. Love you all!


	10. I'm Yours

The rocks cut into his palms, rough, painful. The sky was a bizzare shade of blue, and every time he tried to focus on the clouds they seemed to skitter away. The mountain loomed over him, impossibly high.

“You can do this, Seungri, you  _ can. _ ” In his life he’d never failed himself, so he squared his shoulders and pushed his hand up to the next hold. But it slipped. Panic spiked in him as his heart thudded. The world seemed to spin around him. He had to get back to the mountain, had to climb, had to make it to the top. 

“Seungri.”

“I gotta fight - gotta get to the top.” Someone was tugging him and he had to explain, had to get up the mountain. “Please, please,” he begged. They had to stop - he needed to get up, he had to, please, he had to-

“Seungri.”

He jerked awake. There was a hand on his arm. There was no blue sky, there was a dark room and - “Bae?”

Youngbae’s eyes blinked down at him over the wall of pillows between them.  _ If you start anything I’ll punch you awake _ , Seungri’s memory provided Youngbae’s voice. A cold chill of terror ran down his spine. “Was I-.” He felt the familiar ache of his cock.  _ No.  _ “Shit-”  _ No, not this. _

“It’s ok, Ri.” Youngbae’s hand was on his chest. Seungri couldn’t breath, hypnotized by Youngbae’s eyes staring down into his. His heart, Youngbae should have been able to feel his heart thundering in his chest. He looked so uncertain but he was touching Seungri. “I want to help you -”

_ No, no more pity. _ Seungri’s heart collapsed under the weight of crushed hope. He couldn’t bear it. “Bae-” He’d thought his heart had fractured enough but, apparently, he’d been wrong. He didn't know how was he still living around the pain in his chest. 

But Youngbae’s eyes still held his and there was no pity there. Confusion spun around Seungri’s sleep-hazed brain. He couldn’t look away, he couldn’t move, frozen by eyes sparkling in the barest flashes of light and a hand pinning him down with the lightest press. 

“I love you, Seungri,” Youngbae said and Seungri’s mind completely unraveled.  _ Love _ \- that was the emotion in Youngbae’s eyes. Seungri took a shuddering breath as felt everything crash through the wall he’d haphazardly built around his heart. He arched up into Youngbae’s palm. “Kiss me.”

And Youngbae was there, over the wall between them and his arms- Seungri moaned at he felt slender arms wrap around him. Youngbae’s lips pressed against his. The entirety of his being focused on lips and tongue and the press and slide of limbs wrapping him, squeezing him. There was a delicate swipe of tongue along his bottom lip and he opened his mouth, hungry and welcoming. 

He nipped and sucked at Youngbae’s tongue, feeling it slide over his lips, his tongue, his teeth. He reveled in the possession before pushing back, pushing himself past Youngbae’s lips to feel and taste him. Youngbae was sweet, strawberry of toothpaste and a warm honeyed flavor that must be all him. His skin smelled of honey and amber. 

His hands came up to fist the back of Youngbae’s shirt. Youngbae groaned and Seungri felt his world implode. Youngbae, was in his arms, kissing, possessing - “Say it again,” Seungri whispered into Youngbae’s lips.

Youngbae pulled back to blink down at him. Seungri pecked at his swollen lips. “Tell me again.”

A hand stroked through his hair, tugging on Seungri’s heart. Youngbae’s eyes were soft, so soft. “I love you, Ri-ya.” The affectionate nickname curled pleasure around his heart and he shifted up to kiss Youngbae again. 

Seungri stroked a hand down Youngbae’s back, to catch the hem of his shirt. He slid his fingers underneath, searing them on the heat of Youngbae’s body. Soft silk, that was Youngbae’s skin. He felt a throb pulse through his cock and he rocked up, into the thigh that had slid between his legs. He felt Youngbae freeze above him then look down, his thigh pressed down deeper onto Seungri’s aching cock.

He grunted and rocked against Youngbae’s leg. “Bae,” Seungri groaned. Youngbae nuzzled into his cheek and his voice, low and husky, growled in Seungri’s ear. 

“Good?” he asked. Seungri felt more than heard the chuckle that rumbled through Youngbae. He swore and flexed, flipping Youngbae onto his back. Youngbae blinked in surprise and Seungri grinned down at him. He leaned in to nuzzle at Youngbae, hands pressed to the bed on either side of his head. 

He could feel Youngbae’s cock, hard under him, sheathed in thin cotton. He slotted them into position, their cocks pressed alongside each other, and rocked his hips down. Youngbae gasped and Seungri’s grin spread wider. 

“Now it’s good, hyung,” he said then leaned down to kiss Youngbae’s lips again. He would never be sick of their plush press sliding against him, of his tongue tracing over his lower lip. He kissed along Youngbae’s jaw, rough stubble teasing at his lips. Hands slid up under Seungri’s shirt to tug at his nipples.  _ So that’s how it is,  _ Seungri thought, saving the information.

Seungri knelt and sat across Youngbae’s hips. He grabbed at his own shirt, yanking it off. Youngbae’s palms spread over Seungri’s chest, fingertips dancing over the hardened nubs of his nipples. He let his head drop back, rubbing his chest up into Youngbae’s hands. They were warm and delicious, each tug pulling at the heat coiling in his cock. He closed his eyes and listened to the hard breaths shuddering through Youngbae’s lungs. 

“Bae,” he whispered and he felt Youngbae thrust up against him, hard length of his cock sliding along his balls. 

Seungri brought his hands up to grasp at Youngbae’s wrists, and pinned them down to the bed. He’d dreamed of this, so many nights of listening to Youngbae’s moans and now he was here, pinned below Seungri. Youngbae pressed up against Seungri’s hands and instinctively Seungri’s grip tightened. Youngbae’s eyes widened and he froze, staring into Seungri’s eyes.

_ Shit, _ Seungri let go of Youngbae’s wrists as if singed. Youngbae had never been with a man before. He’d always been the stronger partner. Seungri was suddenly struck by how much bigger he was than Youngbae, taller, thicker; the jiujitsu had honed his body. “Sorry, Bae,” he whispered.

“No,” Youngbae said, shy smile tugging the corners of his mouth. A thigh rocked, a soothing caress along the inside of Seungri’s leg, still straddling Youngbae’s hips. “No, I think I liked it, do it again.”

Seungri grabbed at the hem of Youngbae’s shirt and yanked it up his body, but not off, he caught it about Youngbae’s wrists and pinned them back down to the bed. He leaned over Youngbae’s bare body, hovering just high enough to feel the heat rolling off his chest. He traced over Youngbae’s ear with the barest tip of his tongue, letting a satisfied growl rumble through his chest. 

Seungri kept one hand on Youngbae’s wrists and nipped down Youngbae’s neck. He paused to suck onto his collar, nose brushing against the dark shadow that was the tattoo that spread over Youngbae’s chest. He’d attend to that next time, he promised himself. His heart thrilled at the thought of  _ next time _ . 

He  made it to Youngbae’s chest and clamped his mouth over a tiny, pert nipple. Youngbae’s moan was raw, a thunder rolling through Seungri’s body. His cock throbbed where it was pressed against Youngbae’s thing. “God, hyung, your moans, you voice,” Seungri whispered into Youngbae’s chest. He lapped at the nipple and Youngbae moaned again, arching into Seungri’s tongue. “It’s been destroying me.” He sealed his mouth over Youngbae’s skin and sucked, flicking at the perfect skin of his pec.

“Seungri,” Youngbae panted. Seungri pulled off to look up at him, innocent eyes batting. 

“Hyung?”

“You’ve been dying?! You? I-” 

Seungri lowered his head to the other nipple. Youngbae couldn’t finish his thought. Seungri worked over Youngbae’s chest for a minor eternity before lowering himself down stomach to hips. He let go of Youngbae’s wrists to trace a line over the ‘V’ cut of Youngbae’s hip. He followed it to where it disappeared into his pajama bottoms. He tugged at the pants with his teeth when hands gripped at his arms. 

He looked up at Youngbae. “No, Ri - I -”

“You don’t want?” Seungri’s heart sank but he tried for a seductive smile. 

“Another time,” Youngbae said and fingers stroked up his cheek to ruffle the ends of the hair falling in Seungri’s face. “It’s - It was -” Youngbae’s eyes were sorrowful, guilty. “Another time?” He repeated.

Seungri closed his eyes and breathed through the pain in his chest. The fingers in his hair stroked his brow, down over his eyes, traced the line of his nose to settle over his lips. He felt Youngbae shift under him and lips pressed over his eyelids, down his nose, following the path of his fingers. A soft kiss pressed against his lips and arms wrapped around him. “Next time,” Youngbae whispered against his mouth and Seungri nodded. “I want you this time.” Youngbae said, and tugged Seungri back up to lay over him. 

Seungri’s heart stuttered at the feeling of their skin pressing together from shoulder to hip. Youngbae pressed more soft kisses to his lips, his cheek, his jaw. Seungri felt tears beginning to rise from his chest. He bent his head forward to press his brow to Youngbae’s. “Say it again,” he begged with a hitch in his voice.

Youngbae’s legs spread to wrap Seungri’s hips, arms wrapped his body tight. “I love you, Seungri,” Youngbae whispered between kisses. 

Their cocks were flush but there were too many layers, too many barriers. Seungri gripped the waist of Youngbae’s pants and tugged at them. He knelt, pushing Youngbae’s legs in front of him to rip off pants and underwear in one move. Fingers tugged at the waist of his own bottoms and he stripped them off next. 

He sat between Youngbae’s legs, knees bent up. He took in the sight of Youngbae, naked, spread under him. Thighs quivered slightly under his hands; thick cock curved over a dark thatch of hair, already dripping; muscles rippled with every heave of Youngbae’s flushed chest. Youngbae’s eyes cradled him, open, welcoming.  _ Love,  _ Seungri thought. 

“You-” Youngbae licked his lips. He shifted, uncomfortable but not quite moving away. “You could -”

Affection surged up through Seungri, bubbling past his lips as laughter. “You’re not bottoming tonight, Bae,” he promised, but a part of him revelled in the fact that Youngbae had even offered. 

“Oh,” Youngbae said. He was relieved and trying to hide it. Seungri pressed a kiss to the inside of Youngbae’s knee and chased it with a chuckle. “Then, do you -?” Youngbae asked, looking confused. 

Seungri caught at Youngbae’s hand and brought it to his mouth. He licked and sucked each finger into his mouth in turn. “I do, sometimes, but not tonight,” Seungri said, “next time.” The words glowed deep in his heart. “Next time,” he repeated, swirling his tongue over Youngbae’s palm. Youngbae still looked confused despite the obvious arousal from Seungri’s attention to his hand. 

Seungri lowered himself between Youngbae’s legs, aligning their bodies so their cocks lay side by side, pinned between them. Youngbae’s breath sucked in and froze in his chest. Seungri looked into Youngbae’s eyes and took the hand he’d licked, dropping it down between them to grip their cocks together. Understanding dawned in Youngbae’s eyes and Seungri kissed him breathless. 

Just as he pulled back he rolled them, putting Youngbae back in control. Youngbae slotted himself above Seungri, settling between his thighs. He held his weight on one hand and with the other took their cocks, pressed side to side. Seungri groaned at the feel of warmth and wet from Youngbae’s cock, pressed against, sliding against his own. He gave a shallow thrust and Youngbae thrust back. 

“God, yes, please Bae,” Seungri begged. He dropped one hand to wrap around Youngbae’s, not to set the pace but just to feel him, to feel them sheathed together. Youngbae’s body began to undulate in earnest, rocking them towards climax. “Oh fuck,” Seungri gasped. He’d seen Youngbae on stage, knew how he moved but knowing and feeling- 

That feeling began rippling out from his chest, fanned by the butterflies that had consumed him for too many months. He wrapped his free arm around Youngbae’s chest, arching up into him to litter his skin with bruising, sucking, kisses. “Say it again,” he begged, aware of the tears streaking from the corner of his eyes. “Say it, please, please say it again, Youngbae.” 

“Greedy,” Youngbae panted between thrusts and strokes. He felt the nudge of a chin at the top of his head and he tipped back to look into Youngbae’s eyes. “Greedy - beautiful - Seungri.” Youngbae’s lips took his and, whispered into his skin, he heard the words. “I love you, Lee Seunghyun.” 

He cried out and came in hot, pulsing shots between them. He felt Youngbae’s hips stutter between his thighs and he opened his eyes in time to watch Youngbae, above him, head tipped back and mouth open, a moan escaping from deep in his chest. 

As the peak of Youngbae’s climax ebbed, Seungri pulled him down, holding him tight. He grabbed for the throw blanket across the foot of the bed with his toes and brought it up to wipe them clean and toss aside. Spent, and sated, they traced fingers over one another until they drifted off.

* * *

Dawn cast a blue haze over their room as Youngbae stirred awake. Phones were buzzing side by side on the night stand. He groaned and tried to sit but a weight kept him pinned. He looked down to see Seungri snuggled into his side, face laying on his chest and careless arm draped over his stomach. 

He smiled and his heart clenched in exquisite joy. He blew to ruffle the white hair sticking straight off of Seungri’s head and reached with a free hand for his phone. 

“Ya, wake up, flight leaves in two hours,” he said as he read a text from Jiyong in their group chat. Youngbae grinned and tapped at his phone. He stretched out an arm to snap a photo. He looked at it before pressing send: Seungri’s sleeping face, resting against a naked male chest, the white blanket slipped half off an obviously bare shoulder. 

“Busy, can’t get up,” Youngbae replied, along with the photo.

The chat window popped up with dancing dots from both Seunghyun and Jiyong. 

“!!!!!!” Seunghyun’s response came through first, followed by Jiyongs’s, “Oh thank - fucking - God. Sleep you two idiots. I’ll have manager-nim book you a later flight.” 

Youngbae rolled his eyes at his best friend, and a notification popped up, a private message from Daesung. “Congrats, Bae-hyung. I’m so happy for you.” Warmth spread through Youngbae’s chest at the loving words from Daesung. “TY,” he managed to type one handed as Seungri shifted beside him.

Youngbae looked down as Seungri opened a bleary eye to his own phone dancing across the nightstand with its own notifications. Probably private congratulations from Daesung as well. 

“You’re really here,” Seungri said, voice a gravelly mess. Youngbae looked at him, eyes half closed and fringed in sleep, hair askew, lips rough and dry. 

“Of course I’m here,” Youngbae said without any ire.

“Mmmm,” Seungri hummed, curling back into him. He dragged a lazy hand up and down Seungri’s arm. 

“I’m sorry,” Youngbae said. 

Seungri’s eyes flitted up to meet his. “Sorry?”

“I -,” Youngbae broke off, unable to meet Seungri’s eyes but unwilling to pull away from his warmth. He sighed. “I have a lot to apologize for. I was going to do it last night.”

Lips pressed into his chest and he felt Seungri turn to lay on him, eyes looking towards the light brightening beyond the curtains. The arm around his stomach tightened, reassuring. 

“That night, in Osaka, when the sink exploded,” he felt Seungri tense, “you had an - incident - and I-” Seungri began to pull away but Youngbae flexed, keeping him where he was. “You didn’t attack me. You were - struggling - and I helped…” 

“Bae?”

“I stroked you off. I don’t know why. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry and I should have apologized a long time ago I just didn’t want to stop going out with you or being with you and I’m sorry.” The words just kept tumbling out of him and Seungri pulled up to look down at him. He smiled and Youngbae let himself breathe. 

“It’s ok. I mean it wasn’t the best thing to have done but -” He kissed Youngbae’s chest again, “it’s ok.”

“And-” Youngbae said. 

“And,” Seungri echoed.

“I messed up a lot these last few months. I hurt you.” He tugged at Seungri’s chin to look him in the eye. “I hurt you a lot, I think.”

“A lot of that was my fault,” Seungri said. “A lot of it was me hurting myself. I set myself up. I knew what I was feeling and I did it anyway. But Guangzhou  -” his voice got hard for a moment. “That was cruel, hyung.”

Youngbae nodded and felt tears of regret begin to well. “I’m so, so sorry Seungri. I wanted you but - I  _ couldn’t _ want you and it was wrong.” He stroked the backs of his fingers over Seungri’s cheeks. “It was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Appeased, Seungri lowered his head back down. “Going back with Nari was fucked too, hyung, and telling me in chat after- after,” he whispered not voicing his betrayal. Youngbae’s stomach clenched with guilt. He was glad that Seungri wasn’t going to let him get away with anything but thinking of what he’d done still hurt. 

“It was,” he agreed. “I am sorry for how that hurt you too.” 

Seungri nodded. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” he said.

“I’m still sorry for it,” Youngbae said. 

They lay in silence. Seungri traced figures into Youngbae’s skin. 

* * *

 

“It was always boys for me,” Seungri whispered as they held one another in bed, the morning fully settled around them. Youngbae hummed a question. “I’ve only ever fallen for boys,” he explained. 

“You’re my first,” Youngbae said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” Youngbae pressed a kiss into Seungri’s hair. “I didn’t know I even was for a long time.”

“What changed?”

“I missed you. I missed playing with you. I missed having you close but -” Youngbae paused and Seungri waited. “I was so scared. I am not gay - I never was. I was confused. Daesung helped me see that it didn’t matter what you are, what matters is that I love you.”

“I’ll never get sick of hearing that,” Seungri said.

“Greedy,” Youngbae teased.

“Course,” Seungri said, looking up at him through his lashes. 

“Ya, Lee Seunghyun-” Youngbae’s voice was a gentle whisper.

Seungri flinched. Youngbae paused. “You don’t like when I use your name.” The memory came to him of Seungri talking about his real name how it hurt him. “Sorry,” he apologized. 

Seungri looked away, at the wall, at the hand pressed over Youngbae’s heart. “I don’t,” he said. “It reminds me too much - it reminds me of my past of - my failures.” Seungri was taken back to those days, their pain and frustration still a bit raw. He felt a gentle hand cup the back of his head, fingers soothing as they teased through his hair. 

And then a memory came forward. A memory of his most painful night, the night he’d gone home in disgrace, cut from Big Bang. He remembered boarding the bus to go home alone. He remembered who had been there to hug him goodbye, who’d stood outside the window to wave to him. He remembered the boy who had whispered words of faith and strength and courage in his ear, had said he knew Lee Seunghyun would be back, would show them all. 

Seungri looked up and met the beautiful eyes that belonged to that boy, now a man all grown up, and the pain melted away, old hurts sealing themselves away. He thought of the way his name had sounded last night on Youngbae’s lips, a prayer into his skin moments before they both came. A smile curved his lips and he felt an ache bring tears to his eyes. 

“My mom is the only one who can call me that without it hurting, but maybe -” Seungri licked his lips. “Maybe you could, too.”

Youngbae smiled and spoke, hesitant, “Lee Seung-hyun-,” voice savoring each syllable.

And Lee Seung hyun’s chest felt warm, like it was bursting apart, he laughed and the tears fell. 

“Lee Seunghyun, I love you,” Youngbae said.

Lee Seunghyun kissed him, hands cupped to either side of his face. He kissed and kissed and kissed and when he broke away it was only to say “I love you, too, Dong Youngbae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The memory Seungri recalls from being cut is documented in the Big Bang Documentary Episode 9 - which is [available on Dramafever](http://www.dramafever.com/drama/4784/9/BIGBANG_the_Beginning/?ap=1) \- Youngbae did actually go to see him off and wave goodbye to him from outside the bus. It's heartbreakingly poigniant. Be prepared to cry.


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This epilogue is dedicated to [sullyintheskywdiamonds ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sullyintheskywdiamonds/pseuds/sullyintheskywdiamonds) who left amazing commentary week after week. Thank you!

 

“Seunghyun-hyung, could you please stop putting pictures of me on your SNS? ”

"Aw, but you are so cute when you are sleeping.” Seunghyun stopped fiddling with his phone for a moment to think. “And when you're swimming, and eating, and breathing,” he added.

"Yea but- it makes Youngbae-hyung jealous, and feisty, and- amorous. It's getting hard to hide the hickies, and bites,” Seungri flushed, "and rug burn.”

Seunghyun said nothing, merely looking at Seungri with placid, innocent eyes.

"You knew- know! You know what it does to him!" Seungri accused. A ridiculous giggle escaped Seunghyun's lips.

"Hyung,'’ Seungri whined. "Hyung why?”

"Just doing my part to look after my dongsaeng's health and happiness.”

Seungri's mind boggled. Seunghyun’s hand clamped down on his shoulder affectionately. "An amorous boyfriend means lots and lots of lusty sex. Lots of sex means plenty of endorphins. Endorphins make you happy and happiness is good for your health.” Seunghyun grinned broadly. "You see how your hyung looks out for you?”

"Yah," Seungri said, swatting off Seunghyun's hand. ‘I've barely been able to sit all week!”

Seunghyun could no longer contain himself. He doubled over laughing - his hand had the audacity to slap at his knee. He gasped for breath. "I know.”

“Seunghyun-hyung, please, please. I love you. Maknae loves you, ok. Please, please, for the sake of my ass, stop.”

"OK but - if your ass means so much why don't go take a turn on Youngbae's?” Seunghyun’s hands spread into plump curves in demonstration of Youngbae's assets.

Incensed, Seungri began punching into Seunghyun's arm. "We are taking it slow you Neanderthal!”

"That's not what you were screaming last night,” Seunghyun laughed as Seungri's assault intensified.

"Yeah, no,” Jiyong said, joining them. "Ease off a bit, hyung. I would like to get some sleep at night.”

Seungri stalked off, face in flames but secretly quite pleased. His body ached deliciously and he was the center of his hyungs' universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is it everyone! Thank you so much to everyone who has read, subscribed, commented and/or kudosed. You've made this a wonderful experience for me. I have to credit my lovely TOPcorn, who's weekly - and sometimes daily - support made it possible for me to get through this and I love her to pieces for it. I've got more works in development so hopefully you'll look forward to those soon. Thanks again!


	12. Author's Note

So, this is not an update in that there is no addition to this story, but the entire fic *has* been updated.

This fic was my first foray into actual story-telling. It was my first stab at actually plotting something from beginning to end and attempting to make it all the way through. Because of that, some elements of it never really sat well with me or worked the way I wanted them too. However, as it was my first time, I didn't really know how to fix them.

The largest issue, and it has been an issue from the very first outline I made for this story, is the handling of Hyorin's character. I never really wanted her to be what she is in this fic and her character assassination has pained me since the moment I began. Not only is it not how I see her, it felt grossly out of character as well as falling into a common trope of getting rid of the inconvenient canon ship. Thus, her characterization in this fic has always been an issue for me, since its conception.

When I began, I felt hamstrung by the canon, couldn't figure my way out of it and by the time I started posting I was neck deep in the Nano-fic that still plagues me.

I figured I would have to let it go but when I sat down to plot out the sequel, the specter of the problems with this fic became issues I had to confront. I scrapped and redid the outline for part 2 multiple times over but still came back to the fact that I just was not happy with part 1.

In the intervening time between writing this and who I am now I've learned quite a bit. In particular: canon is a tool not a cage. This is all made up and the points don't matter so - I decided to chunk what of canon wasn't working and suddenly the knot I couldn't work out severed.

Taeyang jumping into a disfunctional relationship when looking for Hyorin's exact opposite seemed so incredibly obvious once I decided I no longer was bound to the public announcement of Taeyang's and Hyorin's relationship. It was so ridiculously easy. I mean.... Seungri and Taeyang are endgame here so canon is already three-sheets to the wind.

Their (BaeRin's) relationship did have a canon breakup. So I just moved the point of my plot divergence back to that and eliminated them getting back together.

I knew that Taeyang's character, for this story, needed to be a bit stunted, relationship speaking. The realities of dating life led to him learning lessons about healthy relationships fairly late as when many people have their youthful bad relationships, he was touring and working. So he wouldn't have developed the skill to recognize red flags.

Seeing as none of these partner issues seem apparent in Hyorin, putting them on to her just felt wrong. 

I'm sure people will say that this is such a minor change I shouldn't have bothered. Or that it doesn't make much difference if it is Hyorin or some OC. But to me it matters, and it was holding up any forward progress on the rest of their story...and that is something I want to tell.

Plus I know better now. I wanna do better. Plus...this fic just needed another SpaG check anyway.

So, hopefully you'll understand and indulge me. Largely the rest of the story remains as it was, just more in line with what I always wanted it to be.

 

If you really miss the way the fic was, I understand. I have saved off copies of the original posted version and if you pop into my ask on my tumblr (see my profile for a link) I'll gladly send you the original.


End file.
